Ask Me Something Deep

Did you think of me?

2006-09-20T03:49:00.000-04:00

Last night...
...did you think of me when you walked in the familiar warm rain?
I thought of you as I gripped the same umbrella I had that night, one year ago exactly.

I had coffee with a dear friend in a dim cafe next to the cathedral.
I found it impossible to turn my eyes away from the church.
Ten thousand drops of rain streamed down her face and pooled at her feet

and I thought of the year, and the tears...my tears, easily ten thousand...

and then the bells chimed the hour.
And I was brought back to that night, so magic, still there, every second in my mind.

Then silence...
...and it was gone...like magic.

And that's the thing about magic, all an illusion; the thrill is in believing it's real.
For a moment, suspend what you know to be true and just be amazed, but just for a moment.
Then, you must accept reality...the magician is but an ordinary man.
Otherwise you are a complete fool,
going through life believing in magical powers of David Copperfield...

... or { name }

How am I doing?

2006-07-24T06:46:00.000-04:00

In January I wrote:

I am going to see Istanbul, Prague, and Budapest...
I will get 5 new countries on my country map...
I will do at least one thing I thought I couldn't and one thing no one but me knew I could...
I will see my name in the news (hopefully for good, but there is no such thing as bad publicity)...
I am going to work hard at something that is just for me...
I am going to fight my natural tendancy toward depression with everything I've got...
I will find ways to be happy even when it doesn't make sense...
I am giving myself permission to fall in love with a new person, a new place and a new thing...
I will not let fear be in charge of my life...
I am going to look up this post in December and see how I did.

So I am at the half-way point now. I have not been nor do I have plans to go to Prague, Istanbul or Budapest, but for some reason those citys have lost som lustre to me. I just want to make sure I capitolize on my year abroad. The 5 new places is the nost important. So far I have only gone to Skopje, Macedonia - which was an incredible experience. I have a lot of ground to cover soon.

I said I would do one thing I thought I couldn't and I also said I would fight my depression. I have been vertually depression free since I came to Sarajevo and I really didn't think I would be able to keep the blues away this long. It feels like one of the most major accomplishments of my life. I have been on top of my fears too, which I think are a key component of my former depressed state.

I also talked about giving myself permission to love someone new - and I have - and some place - too many to name from restaurants to cities - and something new I am still looking for, but I have gotten back into listening to music again thanks to my iPod. I got it as a gift. I didn't want it because I had stopped listening to music shortly after college, but I guess I just needed a cool gadet.

I said I would see my name in the news...well...kinda... I have been on the news several times here, but I do not think that my name was used, I was just on the news.

I said I would find ways to be happy even when it doesn't make sense and that I would work on something that is just for me. I see now that staying above my depression is something that I am doing that is "just for me" even though it benefits plenty of people. Finding ways to be happy doesn't mean ignoring problems - I thought that people who seemed to be always happy were just dillusional and that I was a "realist". Well, I am still a realist that can see that my constant worries, fears, and bouts of depression were just holding me back.

I am now focused on what I am happy to have now and what I am working to get for myself in the future. I actively push thoughts about things I've lost and/or that I cannot possibly get out of my mind. It's not that I ignore these issues, just that I work around them rather then putting them up as roadbloack. There is a saying that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Obsessing about things that are gone or will never be nearly drove me crazy. I feel so fortunate to have realized all of this before it was too late.

What happened to me?

2006-04-30T06:35:00.000-04:00

Basically, I got paranoid.

I started becoming scared that people would use what I have written here against me or my friends or that my family would find it and not understand (see recent posts). Right after that, there was one incident where something I wrote f*cked a former friend...that didn't bother me, but it was a warning.

Then I wrote the little note about not writing... That must have made it active in the "Next Blog" queue or something because within 24 hours, some unknown person who knows me and "C" (guy from the previous entry; I suspect it's "KB") forwarded this blog to C's sister who called him in a flaming panic.

If I haven't said this enough, I will say it again: I cannot stand American women.

If I am with a guy and I see him looking at another woman (usually I pointed her out in the first place), I think, "good things are as they should be"...unless I think the woman isn't all that and I ask a few curious questions like, "Are those breasts really big enough to compensate for that face?" or "Dude, did you catch her in profile?". If she is really hot, sometimes I will go over and chat her up, to see what's what.

American women see their man looking at someone else and the internal dialog starts, "I hate being so fat/tall/flat/ugly (which they are not, of course). Why does he have to throw it in my face by looking at her? I do so much for him. He's not all the special anyway; I don't have to take this. I bet he wants to f*ck her. (that part is probably true)" blah...blah...blah...

Back to the story...

So when I say "interest" that means sex to them...when I say acting on an interest, that also can only mean sex. I have know C's sister for years. She knows what I look like, she knows I am a flirt, and she knows I like to have fun. It has never been a problem...then she reads a blog entry on the internet and decides it's time to threaten to contact C's WIFE!

Wow! That's f*cked up. But I guess she was off the deep end and wanted someone else to join her.

So here is the thing about my blog - I already have a "family blog" where I post photos and write lightweight drivel that is safe for public consumption. I don't need two of those. If I cannot write about things that I am really thinking, I will just keep that all to myself. I absolutely do NOT want other people to have their lives ruined because of what I write about them (it's sad to know that is even possible). A friend suggested that I could change around all of my information - like become Jill in Romania who likes backpacking and sewing.

Why would I do that?

Anyway, it's good to know that I was missed. I don't know if I will keep posting...depends on how much trouble I get in for this post ;)

For the record, C and I had the time of our lives. Lots of hours at the office, but we went out and saw everything. He is now the only friend I have that knows what life is like for me here - "work hard, play hard". I introduced him around and took him to all of my favorite places. He convinced me to buy a home theatre system (and then threw me under the bus on that one...we'll have to talk about that).

I can honestly say that I do not wish his visit would have been any different than it was.

The only thing I wish was different is that I wish men and women didn't have to walk on eggshells around each other. In our society, it seems women believe that to keep their man, they have only two options: create an enviroment of constant fear and suspicion or give in to the man's every whim and wish and try to make yourself into his vision of the perfect women. No mater which option a woman choses, a critical piece is keeping the level of drama as high as humanly possible. We women refer to these strategies as "working and making sacrifices" for our relationships.

The thing that baffles me the most is why do men put up with this?

Has it really been almost a month?

2006-04-23T10:09:00.000-04:00

Things are totally crazy in my life right now, but I am having a total block about what to write about. I wanted to say something just so people know that this site is not abandoned, but I am out of kosher topics.

Send me a question or you will have to just wait until I think something up on my own... and it could be awhile... not that anyone cares...

"Does it have to be every man?"

2006-03-25T15:14:00.000-05:00

I have come to the unpleasant discovery that I believe once again, I am suffering for some form of mental illness. I was reviewing some of my escapades with a friend via IM, when this revelation was thrown right in my face.

I have this incredible need for men to want me...

Him: I just want to get where you're coming from....
Me: I know...that's why I want to tell you
Him: Well, I certainly understand the need to feel wanted.
Me: I just need it in a weird way
Him: I just don't know why it needs to be EVERY man you meet ... And seriously.... I'm not bustin on ya... I promise...
Me: I know...and it does need to be EVERY...I am totally freaked out by men that are indifferent to me
Him: Is this all related to "Daddy didn't want me" kind of stuff? And if it is, and you've recognized as such, do you *not* want to get past it.
Me: I doubt it...I cannot blame the distant past on current behavior that I could easily control

***feeble attempt by me to change subject***

Him: Well, this men wanting you thing... It's strange to me because it's so incongruent (at some levels) to who you are as a person. you seem so very strong.
Him: but then you have this deep need.
Me: Everyone has an Achilles Heel I guess
Him: It's definitely unusual ... I hope you don't feel like I'm judging you
Me: No, but I think there is a novel in this somewhere

*** Two days later ***

Him: I realized something the other day, actually. I've always said that I like to travel. Well, the truth is, I like to *be in other places*. The actual travel part- I don't really usually enjoy
Him: though I have met some interesting ppl from time to time
Me: I feel the same
Me: At the airport I am looking at the other passengers and feeling like I am on some weird version of the dating game
Him: Geez. This attitude of yours towards people would stress me out to no end.

At this point, I am aware of it and really I think I have always been like this (help me out here Q - I was like this in college too, right). It's just now, I find myself obsessively fixated on it. It really doesn't matter to me why I have this problem, and I don't feel particularly committed to fixing it - except that I am afraid it will affect my work, but certainly I admit that it is weird.

My friend worried about my stress, but I am more focused on his because he is married and he is coming to Sarajevo on business and is worried about dealing with a full-court press from me.

Don't worry, C...I just enjoy knowing that the interest is there. I do not let anyone actually act on it. You can leave your rosary or whatever at home.

Oooo wait! Bring it! Sorry, just kidding...that was wrong...

I think I need to grow up...

2006-03-19T15:00:00.000-05:00

Last night, I agreed to accompany an aquaintence to pick up a new transfer at the airport (these are Army people). It seemed like a boring prospect, but I was hoping to get to shop at the PX on the base.

Cutting to the chase, I ended up at Karaoke, beating a marine at darts, heading off-base to a club, downing half a liter of black berry vodka stright out of the bottle, dancing for hours, being accepted by the local "working girls", lost my passport (which I found), getting home at 11 a.m. the next day (today). The lack of mention of eating is not an oversight - I didn't even eat lunch yesterday. I didn't get to the PX but I stole a box of Apple Jacks from an Air Force photographer, so all in all, a success.

I woke up this evening after 5 hours of sleep and I feel like I have been beaten with a baseball bat. I am not hung over, I am in physical pain. I cannot lift my arms at all. The dancing is what got me. I had a ton of work to do today and I cannot even make myself start it.

Honestly, I thought I had moved past being capable of this kind of behavior. I think this was a reaction to an unhappy anniversary for me. I was trying to crowd the thoughts out of my head, which of course didn't really work.

Just got a call from the star player of the Bosnian national team wanting me to come over to watch basketball...so I'm heading out. Maybe if I make this weekend a little more painful, I will actually learn from it...

The internet and relationships: how does this work?

2006-03-12T14:50:00.000-05:00

So I have Skype for work...really I need it for work. However, if I am on, I am "skyped" by 12 - 20 men per hour asking for me to add them to my contacts list.

At first I was so naive, "Hey this guy in Turkey wants to be my friend, ok I'll add him", yadda, yadda, 50 contacts and one marriage proposal (no lie) from a Sudanese dude in Bahrain and I have had enough. If you are a single woman, get on Skype and claim to be living in a Muslim country. That ought to solve all your problems. Seriously...these guys were relentless...even after telling them I am an American Jew, they still were hot for me.

I didn't even post my picture or my last name (Bill do not comment...that picture you saw of me is really bad. I didn't want to pitch a fit at the time because I didn't want you to think I see myself as some kind of princess...what with having the Jewish and American parts locked down).

For those of you who don't know, apparently the only picture of me on the internet is really stupid looking. Zanla knows I live in fear of other "better" pictures of me ending up on the internet so I am kind of in a Catch-22.

Anyway, I feel like the internet has turned the whole relationship thing on it's ear. Can I be friends with someone I have never meet IRL? If I have sexy IM chats with someone I know IRL, is that an "emotional affair"**(see below)? Is there a so such thing as a random man "skyping" you because he wants to make friends or learn English? I just really don't know. Ok, after some personal research, the answer is "no" on the third thing...unless they are learning English from Penthouse.

On top of all of this, there is the identity issue. I try to be careful about my identity, but I am not really that careful. I think part of the reason right now is because I am not worried about someone coming to find me in Sarajevo because of my blog (although I have very strong feelings about Milosevic which I will not dignify this man by posting them). However, I really should take better care. But there is this part of me that just wants to believe that the vast majority of people in the world...like 99.999%...are good people and would never attempt to harm me. That's very Pollyanna I know, but I really do think it is the case.

Of course, then the problem is that 99.999% still leaves 500,000 depraved, murderous, criminally insane individuals out there and from what I have seen on other websites, I am fairly sure that at least 499,999 of them spend lots of time on the internet.

That said, there are some weird double standards. If you are a guy, you can post your picture and your full name, and chances are, you will be fine as long as you are not too political - people hate that and will slam you. If you are a woman, just revealing the fact that you are a woman, is like putting up a big sign that says, "I enjoy sexual harassment". If a guy at my office says, "nice blouse", I can sue, but the same guy could email me a poem about his penis without any fear of reprisal (unless he sends it from his work address - duh). Don't you think that's weird? And I would probably just delete it and never mention it...or if it was good, I'd send it to all the women in the office as a forward - except I do not really send forwards, but you get my point.

Ok...enough food for thought...

** In general, I believe that "emotional affairs" exist, but for the most part, I think this is just a strategy to give spouses some terminology that will assist them in banning all opposite-sex friendships.

What is this?

2006-03-06T17:38:00.000-05:00

Does anyone know what this stuff is?

It has been in my apartment since I got here. I am out of the liquor I bought when I first got here and had spending money. Now I am totally broke until the 15th. I had to borrow 3KM (~$1.25)to take a taxi home (long story) today.

So here is the dilemma:

A) I'd really like a drink now and then, and now looks good, so I want to open the bottle...if it's tasty stuff

B) I am really broke and the bottle is cool enough that it could make a good re-gift...if the stuff is crap (since I am a foreigner here I could play it off like I didn't know)

My college roommate and her husband claim to have had it, but they were not helpful: one voted for good, the other that it's crap.

If you have had this, or know what liquors it is similar to, please speak up!

Why am I afraid of the "wrong" people reading my blog?

2006-03-05T16:02:00.000-05:00

Zanla wrote:
"1) Why are you afraid that your mother will find out what you think; and 2) What scares you the most about your mother finding your blog?"

It's not just about my mother...

The truth is, I am able to be more honest to complete strangers than I am to most of my friends and relatives. I think this is true for most people.

I have a persona that = "daughter" and a different one for "co-worker" and another for "sister" and most of those have nothing to do with the person you would imagine me to be from reading this blog.

I don't think this is anything special about me, it's just how life is.

What is special about me is that difference in personas is really great and it would be hard for people who know me in one capacity to believe that I wrote this stuff. And I don't want to have them believe it. I keep these parts of my life separate for darn good reasons.

So everyone, let's just keep this under wraps...ok? Thanks.

Does it suck to be in your 30's and afraid of your mom?

2006-02-19T15:11:00.000-05:00

Yes, yes it does.

My sister started a blog about her new baby. Unfortunately, she chose Blogger to put it up. So now I am afraid that my mother - aunt, sister, sister's friends, whatever - will hit next blog and find mine. Stupid I know, but it has kept my postings to a minimum becuase I know making a recent post with increase the likelihood of being "discovered".

Of course I realize that a blog is public space, but here's to hoping I am protected by the vastness of cyber space.

Married and bored or Single and lonely?

2006-02-14T13:54:00.000-05:00

The great philosopher Chris Rock once said, "You get two choices in life: Married and bored or Single and lonely".

What he didn't know about, nor did I until recently, was that you can actually combine the two. I have managed to do that.

*Sigh*

I almost had a date for tonight...but then I chickened out. Am I wrong or is their something weird about going on a first date with someone on Valentine's Day? Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. Especially when you get this line up front: "If I am not back by midnight, I cannot go back before 6 AM".

So tonight I get to spend Valentine's Day married and bored and single and lonely. Luckily, I am fairly certain that I have one more envelope of instant mac and cheese left.

I'm not depressed...I have an evening of men's figure skating and self gratification ahead of me...I just feel a little pathetic. I did the typical woman thing. I wanted guys to just flock to me with their Valentine's Day wishes. I imagined flowers on my desk and various offers for dinner. Instead I got one call saying "Why didn't you call me?" and I just got one sweet SMS, but I had to write to him first.

Oh..WAIT a minute...SMS guy and three friends want to take me out...man this "taking action" thing is no bullshit.

See ya!

Did anything in particular help to combat the depression?

2006-02-03T04:38:00.000-05:00

Yes, and it was the opposite of everything I had ever tried...

- I was in therapy at age 9
- On medication by 14 (not because I was worse, but because that was the point when the medical establishment decided that all mental illness needed drug therapy)
- Self medicated a year later
- Tried to drown myself in men
- Gave my life and everything I thought I wanted to a man, who ultimately left me
- Found a new man and decided to live the life that I had always heard touted on "The Brady Bunch" and in "Good Housekeeping" magazine; I had everything any woman would ever want

...and by 30 I was having a full blown mid-life crisis. I didn't know who I was or where I was going. I had made myself irrelevant.

I looked out over my life and saw a sea of nothingness and realized the most important thing:

This mess was ALL MY FAULT.

Not my father's, not my brain chemistry, not my abusive boyfriend's, not society.

My whole life there has been a voice in my head (not literally, ok) that said, "You cannot get out of this". I was completely focused on what I might potentially lose. I felt I had so little that I could not afford to lose anything. I had to clench my fists and cross my arms to desperately hang on to what I had...never realizing that this closed me off to ever getting more...never seeing how clinging desperately created anxiety and distorted my reality.

Now here is where it gets a little cheesy, but follow me on this one:

I am a football junkie. I was watching an interview between two of my favorite people, Tom Brady (QB, New England) and Bob Costas. Costas says to Brady something like, "Tom your rookie season was a disaster, no one thought you would amount to anything and here you are 2 time Superbowl champion (old interview); how did you turn things around". And what Brady said was that his first year, he was totally afraid of throwing an interception. He made all of his decisions around that. But the kind of thinking that avoids interceptions had the unintended effect of also avoiding touchdowns - and a game where there are no interceptions, but also no touchdowns, is a loss. So he stopped thinking about interceptions and focused only on throwing touchdowns - and accepted that there would be interceptions and that did not actually matter...as long as there were touchdowns.

Millions of people watched this interview, but it was the message I needed to hear at the moment that I needed to hear it. Focusing on not screwing up worse had a 0% chance of making my life better.

So here is what I did:

1) I gave up.
You know how people say, "never quit", "stick with it", "hang in there"...that's bullshit. It only makes sense if you are headed in the right direction. Think more like - "if you are in a hole the first thing you should do is stop digging". I realized that this would initially cause loss, but I needed to step back and regroup.

2) I dropped the word "should" from my vocabulary
...and then I focused on what I wanted. People said, I *should* put my family first. WRONG. That's what I had been doing. Putting them first was ruining all of our lives because I was so miserable. As a wife and mother I *should* be home every night, but as a Miami girl, this was slowly killing me. *Should* is about how other people view my life - and those people don't really know what's best about me or give a damn about me.

3) I stopped trying and started doing.
A little borrowed from Star Wars here, but the concept of "try" is failure-focused. It implies the idea that it cannot/will not happen from the outset. Instead I just announce I am going to *do* things and if it doesn't come off the way I thought, I am learning to say "f*ck it", and *do* something else. The idea is to keep doing. Imagine any battle scene in a movie...does the leader say, "Well, guys, let's give this a try"? Hell no, and neither will I. I draw the broadsword and rush into battle shouting at the top of my lungs.

4) Don't believe in hope.
Hope is a double edged sword. Hope in my world is something that I take out of my pocket in a quiet moment when I am all alone, look at for a second, and then put away. Hope, when stared at too long, is what keeps a woman sitting by the phone on Saturday night waiting for one guy to call instead of going out to meet a dozen more. Hope, in this context, is the enemy of action. An apology to people who believe in this, but every time I see a room full of religious people with their hands lifted up in prayer, it looks to me more like a bunch of helpless victims at a bank robbery. It's ok to have hope, but in a lot of instances, I have seen where hope has actually created victims because people use hope as a replacement for personal action and/or responsibility.

Do I know what I want in life? - nope. Is my life perfect now? - nope. I still have problems and I still have to work everyday to solve them. The difference is that I wake up in the morning (or whenever) and put both feet on the ground and feel that I have a reason to get going today (and usually a reason to smile about the day before). I have stuff to do today...and if it gets f*cked up, fine, I'll have stuff to do tomorrow.

There are bad times...but they have really become more like moments...maybe an hour...rather than lost months and years. I am amazed at how quickly taking action and grabbing the reins of my life turned things around. I'd say just about a year of consistent effort has done the trick.

I'm 33 for a moment...

2006-01-29T16:19:00.000-05:00

This weekend I have been thinking a lot about my future. At 33, I have used up 1/3 of my time on the earth - in all likelihood it's closer to 1/2 (I don't think I want to live to be 100).

I feel very insecure that I have no idea where I will be in 5 years, but even more frightening, I don't know where I *want* to be in 5 years. I started thinking about the path that has put me here now (in Sarajevo watching a Beyonce video on Italian television).

When I was 3, I couldn't fathom being an adult; adults frightened the hell out of me - yes I remember that.

When I was 8, I wanted to go to the Olympics for gymnastics, swimming, or diving, and after that, become a paleontologist.

When I was 13, I wanted to be Mrs. Prince (not the singer; this was a kid in my school's actual last name); he rejected me totally. I remember telling my friends I was too ugly to ever get married.

When I was 18, I wanted to be a professional call-girl (think working with Heidi Fleiss, not the street corner)...my goals with this career were not too specific, but one thing was for sure - I was to sexy to ever get married; I didn't think I'd live to be 25. I'm not sure how I got convinced to go to college.

When I was 23, I was going to be a top bank executive and for once my life was on track with my goals (ok it was at 18 too until I went for the college nonsense). I was younger than anyone else at my level, so I acquired everything that they did so they could see how mature I was - got a purebred dog, a new car, new house, oh and a husband...

When I was 28, I was already realizing that my goal of being the top in my field of academic advisement was a lame goal - I was practically there (only lacked the notoriety). I had just had my second child and I felt totally trapped. I wanted more, not sure what, but I was in a tight box with no where to go. Secretly I was intensely suicidal - I had just survived a life threatening illness...and was disappointed that I didn't just die.

So here I am at 33. Yes I have problems, and there are things that make my heart ache, but I am so alive and so happy. I just don't know what I want or where I am going...and so what. In the past when I have "known", I really had no idea. I cannot recall a time in my life when I didn't want to just end it all - it has been more prevalent at times, but almost always out there in the background.

Now it's just gone. It's like I have been living in a dark room all my life and now I have pulled down all of the heavy drapes, flung open the doors and stepped out on to the balcony into the fresh morning air to see that the sun is just coming up. There is so much I can do and I want to keep my life big. I see how I let fear and disappointment (and fear of disappointment) control me.

...and all the while I just needed to get out there...that's the irony of it all.

"Doesn't play well with others" :(

2006-01-28T06:17:00.000-05:00

Who knew that when Dr. Anita Taylor, the assistant principal of my elementary school, wrote "Doesn't play well with others" on my second grade report card, it was going to be a life sentence.

Today I was supposed to go with a friend and her sister to the mountains. I was totally psyched. I have very few female friends, and I really want to keep this one. I have 3 close female friends in Bosnia - one who knows me inside and out (I would show her this blog, which is saying a lot), one who is more like a gal pal that I laugh and go to coffee with, but no deep stuff (this is who I was supposed to go to the mountain with), and one that I go to dinner with like once or twice a month when I am in town and that's about it.

So all was cool...I was set for a day of just chillin' (literally), hiking, and laughing at my attempts at the Bosnian language.

...until I walk into the faculty offices Friday night to say goodnight and two other women remark at how they will see me tomorrow. Huh? Oh yeah, my friend's sister can't come so she invited those two.

F#@*!

One woman is the wife of a faculty member. She is one of those people who is self-assured, confident, but butt ugly and dumb as a post. We got into a fight yesterday because she wanted to give a gift to our landlady, but she didn't want to buy anything...she wanted to give items we bought for our marketing campaign. When I said no, she left in a huff and then loudly bad mouthed me to her husband while standing outside my office door.

The other woman just simply doesn't like me. I think she is warming up to me, but there are factors that will always keep us distant. 1) She takes the Serb side in the recent conflict - I personally cannot get past that one; 2) She is sensitive about the fact that she is incredibly unattractive - she has coke bottle glasses, bucky teeth, and is about 75 lbs over weight...I mean she's got the whole package; 3) She has an Ivy Leage PhD - 'nuf said there; 4) She is unpopular with the students, the local staff, the male faculty, and just people in general. I have had friends like this who have been fine because they were ok with who they are. She's not. She is bitter and jealous. She makes comments to other people trying to point out my flaws.

So, I should have been the bigger person, swallowed hard and sucked it up...

...not a chance! I played sick. My frined actually came up to my apartment to see if I was alright. Surprise, surprise, the other two witches were totally fine with me just staying home and resting up.

I guess this one ends happily ever after...

Could this be the start of something?

2006-01-19T18:36:00.000-05:00

So I am here in Sarajevo now - part of the reason I haven't written in a while has been getting here (it took me about 24 hours door-to-door this time) and getting settled. I walked into the office straight from the airport (made easier by the fact my bags didn't show) and since then it has been non-stop bombardment. I am not going to bore you by listing off everything I am up to at work but it's a ton. My new boss seems to feel that I am not moving fast enough but he dumps new crap on me hourly.

So maybe that's why...

...I seem to have lost all interest in sex.

Seriously, not some, not most, but all. Some people are just asexual...whatever...for me this was like being stricken deaf. Like, hey, the room is not just quiet, it's silent...I hear nothing...oh sh!t.

My mind tends to work like a guy's; sex is usually in there somewhere (for the techies, it's like a background process that is constantly running). You know, like where you are working on a report about radio ads and somehow your mind jumps to sex, or you are sitting in a meeting and suddenly start thinking that if someone put a gun to your head and forced you to sleep with someone in the room, who would it be (is it so bad that you would switch teams?) But lately nothing...

I thought I was just busy, but then tonight there was a reception and the group was mostly young men. I should have been in my element. Several of them were completely flirting with me; asking me where I am from, pretending to confuse me with a local actress. I should have been in my element, right?

No - I was totally off. I made weak attempts at flirting back, but I really wasn't feelin' it. There was no tention, no spark. It was just conversation. It's like I've lost my super powers. I'm actually kind of freaked out by it.

I am trying to tell myself that for today, it's for the best. I have no chance of any action right now so at least I am not sufferring from that standpoint. I am just worried because the last time I felt this way, I think I was 4 (I know, I was slow to catch on; but then came Antonio in Kindergarten - I can't believe I still remember his name).

So hopefully, this is some kind of passing phase brought on by lack of sleep and a chest cold that is still in the developmental stages. Speaking of lack of sleep...it's almost 1:00 here. I need to get to bed - at least one bright note, these days I'm going straight to sleep...

Sit it out or dance?

2006-01-10T20:41:00.000-05:00

So my new boss and I are at each other's throats...
The Marketing Plan needs more work...
The Business Plan will surely be rejected...
Some of the workers were caught misrepresenting themselves...
Some of the workers want to quit...
Some of the workers will never quit, but need to be fired...
The US government will probably contest my position...
UD is trying to f*ck me out of a decent title...

So I am sitting on the sofa with a pint of coffee Haagen Dazs, because I know that I will be heading into a buzz-saw and I need the sugar to stave off depressing thoughts. Plus, the extra pounds will be ok because it will take a few days for them to show and after that, it will be a loooooong time before anyone will see me naked.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

2006-01-09T19:46:00.000-05:00

Well, I have my orders. On Sunday I move my life to Sarajevo.

3 months ago, there was nothing I wanted more.

Now, I'm not so sure.

This is going to be my best year ever...

2006-01-03T22:38:00.000-05:00

I am going to see Istanbul, Prague, and Budapest...
I will get 5 new countries on my country map...
I will do at least one thing I thought I couldn't and one thing no one but me knew I could...
I will see my name in the news (hopefully for good, but there is no such thing as bad publicity)...
I am going to work hard at something that is just for me...
I am going to fight my natural tendancy toward depression with everything I've got...
I will find ways to be happy even when it doesn't make sense...
I am giving myself permission to fall in love with a new person, a new place and a new thing...
I will not let fear be in charge of my life...
I am going to look up this post in December and see how I did.

Yes, I back dated this...

2005-12-30T23:51:00.000-05:00

Men See You As Playful

Men want a challenge and you are the perfect playmate
You know how to push men's buttons and attract a wide range of guys
You enjoy living and loving - it's one of your most attractive qualities
Men are often consumed with desire for you, and you love that!

How Do Men See You?

P.S. - the photo is not of me (for those who don't know)

I think I need to hire Drew Rosenhaus...

2005-12-30T23:25:00.000-05:00

It is 12/30 and I still don't know for sure where I will be spending 2006. I will be traveling to Sarajevo in early January. That's pretty set. Will I be there all year or just a month? Don't know.

I really think I'm letting myself get played...again. When it comes to my career, I tend to make the world's dumbest decisions.

Why do people by gift cards for kids?

2005-12-26T20:51:00.000-05:00

Today I needed to buy an emergency Chanukah gift. When I got to the mall I was amazed at how many last-minute Chanukah shoppers were there (yes, I realize that they were almost all Christmas ingrates - people who want to return gifts because they think they can do better).

So, I go in the KB Toys. There were about 100 people, 3 employees and at least 5 or 6 toys. I heard several of the customers asking if the store was going out of business. Clearly, the company strategy was not to restock anything after 12/20.

...but here were all of these teary eyed kids clutching a gift card in one hand and a "Tooth Time Kelly" doll in the other. A little boy was saying, "I want to get a remote control car". The dad said, "can you think of anything else" and the boy sobbed, "that was already my 8th choice."

This seemed to be the issue: these kids all got gift cards for Christmas. Twenty-four hours later they are tired of playing with the cards and would like a toy. Then here they are, parents in tow having a miserable time. They seemed to fall into one of two categories:

1) Disgusted - they realize that all of the good toys (along with the fine toys and marginal toys) are long gone. They are now asking to hit the food court to drown their sorrows in ice cream and sugared pretzels.

2) desperate - they insist on their parents making yet another full loop around the 10' x 10' store, or maybe dad should climb to the top of the self, or if mom would just crawl on her hands and knees to see if the box in the back were different then the 3 in front.

The thing they all had in common is that they were cursing the genius that thought a gift card to a toy store was a good idea.

Stupid quiz (but secretly I love these things!)

2005-12-19T21:57:00.000-05:00

*all about me!!*
*Basics*
name:	Ann
birthday:	July 26
zodiac sign:	Leo
where were you born:	Miami
where do you live now:	Not Miami
height:	5' 9"
hair color:	Dark Brown
eye color:	Light Brown
tattoos:	Nope
piercings:	one in each ear
*Favorites*
color:	maroon
food:	mac & cheese
candy:	Smarties
movie:	Casablanca
tv show:	Monday Night Football & The Amazing Race
actor:	Adam Sandler
actress:	Keira Knightley
band or singer:	Maroon 5 (cliche, I know)
song:	No One is to Blame (Howard Jones)
holiday:	Yom Kippur
month:	April
season:	Spring
day of the week:	Thursday
store:	I really don't like shopping
restaurant:	Melting Pot
sport:	Ice Dance
animal:	Hippo
flower:	Alstromeria
*Have you ever....*
danced in the rain:	sigh YES!
had an embarassing fall:	I was a skater - Of course, in front of tons of people
smoked:	couple cigars, that's it
got drunk:	Not in the last 12 hours
done drugs:	Not in the last 12 years
gone skinny-dipping:	Yeah - it was less thrilling than I thought
been in a car accident:	yes
been in love:	yes
met the president:	Of the USA, no; Of another country, no; Of a school, dozens of them; Of a company, more dozens
met a celebrity:	Grew up in Miami, so lots, yes
cried over a movie:	All the time
shoplifted:	Not since childhood
laughed so hard you cried:	All the time
cried for no reason at all:	Not since college
*The last.....*
thing you said:	"Has that been in the toilet?" (to Carson)
thing you ate:	Stale BJs pretzel
song you heard:	Why can't I? - Liz Phair
movie you saw:	HP & the Goblet of Fire (yes, I cried...even though I read the book)
cd you bought:	Eurotrip Soundtrack
book you read:	Little Earthquakes (it sucked)
phone call:	Made the "WTFAU?!?!?" call to Ted
im:	Ted
person you yelled at:	Carson
*This or That*
pepsi or coke:	Pepsi
mcdonalds or burger king:	BK - BK Veggie!
chocolate or vanilla:	Vanilla (hard to blend anything else with my personality)
tv or movies:	Movies
colored pencils or markers:	Colored pencils
sun or moon:	moon
day or night:	night
pants or shorts:	pants
long sleeve or short sleeve:	long sleeve
n'sync or backstreet boys:	Backstreet Boys - As Long as you Love Me (sentimental reasons)
burgers or hot dogs:	BK Veggie - Wooohoooo
rock or rap:	Rock
aim or phone:	aim (I can get people to talk in ways on IM that they would never on the phone)
romantic comedy or thriller:	Romantic Comedy
waffles or pancakes:	"...and in the morning, I'm makin' WAFFLES!"
peanut butter or jelly:	Jelly
*Others*
what color is your toothbrush:	Lilac and Silver
do you believe in love at first sight:	no
have you ever wished upon a star:	too many times - and it has worked out for me so far
what language(s) do you speak:	English. I attempt Spanish, German and Bosnian
if you dyed your hair what color would you dye it:	Beyonce's color - whatever it is that day
what would you change your name to:	No idea - my name is totally wrong for me, but I don't know what would be better...any suggestions?
what are the last 4 digits of your phone #:	9771
whats the weather like right now:	blinding cold
what instruments do you play:	sax - a million years ago
do you talk to yourself a lot:	constantly - like isn't this basically talking to myself?
Take this survey Find more surveys

Do you have a gift giving strategy?

2005-12-11T22:48:00.000-05:00

Sure, it's been forever since I have written...but everyone else has been pretty quiet too. I dislike this time of year. It's supposed to be about giving and togetherness. Instead I find myself smiling at people I barely know at various "holiday" (really Christmas) gatherings and speanding time with rude, over-worked, underpaid retail staff.

For the 20% of gift recipients who I know well and care deeply for, gift giving is a labor of thoughtfulness, inventiveness, and love.

For the other 80%, like office colleagues that gossip about me behind my back (once again, I am still not sleeping with the boss - the only way this will change is if I am left alone with him while dead), relatives that still wonder how/why they are related to me, and "friends" that I almost wish I never met, my gift giving goals are:
1) making myself look as good as possible with my impeccable taste and style
2) doing goal #1 as cheaply as absolutely possible (as a friend of mine likes to say, "cheap is good, but free is better" - so I am not adverse to the regifting concept)

I am sure that there are people reading this and feeling appalled. Oh, please spare me your feigned shock. We all feel the same way, but cannot get out of the spiral - if someone gives me a gift, and I have nothing for them, then I look like the jackass, so I am forced to continue the ritual.

If you are truly shocked at this point, stop reading. You certainly don't want to know about my secret 3rd goal...

Goal 3: To somehow make the recipient feel like an ass. One of my best strategies on this one is to give a gift to my friend as a "couples" gift that is more thoughtful than what he/she would have ever come up with for his/her own spouse. I love seeing the look of being thrilled on the spouse's face slowly get taken over by a look of disappointment in the spouse. Another way to pull this off is with a thoughtful gift for the child. Here's a classic one...

The back-story...
A male co-worker was busting my chops because another guy from Delaware was in town and we are all the same age. I was going out with the DE guy a lot because, well, it was fun, and my co-worker had family obligations. So when the co-worker heard that the DE guy and I had plans at a fancy restaurant, he invited himself and his family and another friend of ours to kind of break it up. Honestly, I was fine with it, but I wanted to stick it to him so I bought a toy for his son - explaining that it would help him to behave better during dinner (which it did). At first, his wife was thrilled that I thought of this and then she realized that really, her husband should have come up with this on his own (in this case the transition took under 10 seconds).

See for yourself...

The Gift.... The Look...

I love how she is obviously trying to still act happy. Can you believe that I had the balls to snap these photos? I actually was a little surprised at myself on that one, but this photo was just the inspiration I needed this holiday season.

Ok, this really does officially make me a horrible person...I guess. But really, I do feel pretty strongly against the obligatory gift-giving that I am forced into at this time of year. These kinds of tactics at least let me get some enjoyment out of having to part with my own hard earned cash. The alternative list of "fake" gifts (candles, gloves, photoframes, soap, etc.) are as disapointing to give as they are to get. At least one of us should be happy.

For the record, I have never stooped to the level of giving someone something that is contaminated, intentionally damaged or defective, or any of the other childish bullshit that the average 12 year-old boy my think up. Part of the fun is dreaming up the gift with just the right message.

;)

Who would believe this?

2005-11-30T23:35:00.000-05:00

"It's very ... very ... important that we talk. Preferably someplace in private". -H

Read my August 17th post or this summary first:
August 5, male "friend" confesses love for me, I tell him that it's not mutual. He acts like it's cool because I am "damaged goods" anyway. Then he calls me up on August 17 to talk and the point of the talk is to say "goodbye". After attempting to get me drunk, he attempts to rape me. So good riddance. I gave away the most valuable thing he ever gave me - a Nintendo Game Cube that he played more than anyone else, and never heard from him again...

...until today when he sends me that message. So I'm curious, but I am too smart to fall for that...um...Obviously you don't know me if you believe that!

I agree to meet him in a public place. I drove myself there and refused to drink anything other than water, which I watched like a hawk (I may have failed to mention that I went to a strip club with this guy where "somehow" my drink was drugged - to my knowledge, nothing happened).

What did he want?

After saying he was sorry, he asked me to apologize for enticing him. I refused. He tried again to get me to admit my attraction for him. I told him that I flirt will all men - seriously, just about all. He said, "well I know that it is different with me". Holy SHIT! How crazy is he? So I calmly try to explain that I am not going to apologize for his imagination. Of course, he believes I am the one that does not want to come to grips with the truth. You cannot win this kind of argument.

So I am there with him for about an hour and over the course of that time, I find out that while he was at a mutual friends' wedding in Vegas, he told the friend - who was about to get married, mind you - and at least 2 other male friends about the *mistakes* that he and *I* had made together.

WHAT!!!???!!!

As I demanded to know what he had exactly told our friends, a smirk went across his face. I immediately got up and left (throwing enough cash on the table to pay for my meal and not his). I drove home fuming. Of course he told them that he had had an affair with me. He wanted "first teller" advantage. Now if I ever told my side of the story it would sound like I was the one who was making everything up. I'm sure he told them that *he* ended things. That way if I said he tried to rape me, he would just say I was just upset about being dumped.

So the next morning, I have an email from him that says:
"I haven't thrown you out. Maybe we'll get the chance to come out of our corners to duel again someday." -H

I love the "thrown you out" phrase. Like he possesses me somehow and therefore would get to make that decision.

I haven't replied to this message and I plan to never have any contact with him again. I want so badly to set everything straight with my friends who now think I'm a tramp, but these are not people that I see that often so 1) Why should I bother? They are not a part of my life and 2) How would the conversation go? "Hi, I know you haven't heard from me in 3 years, but I just want to let you know I am not screwing H".

So I guess I just have to keep hoping for this Bosnia thing to come through so I can get the hell out of town.

Duh!

2005-11-29T01:17:00.000-05:00

Your Seduction Style: Are You a Jen or an Angelina?
http://quiz.ivillage.com/love/tests/jenangelina.htm

All Angelina
Like Angelina, you're a rare breed: a strong, sexual woman who goes after what she wants. Hollywood bad girls like you include Pamela Anderson, Drea de Matteo and 1950s star Ava Gardner. While it's great to be so in touch with your own sensuality, remember that it can be intimidating and not always appropriate. (Hear that, Ms. Jolie?)

You asked to be asked about deep things, but are you incapable of asking those questions yourself?

2005-11-26T13:52:00.000-05:00

That's from Zanla...

I ask myself deep questions all of the time. I don't always answer myself let alone explore these things in depth by putting them in writing (and on the internet no less). I am plagued by the constant questions in my head.

Answering those questions for an audience...sure...if I have an audience. I am definitely an exhibitionist at heart.

Are we more than the sum of our parts?

2005-11-21T20:33:00.000-05:00

Allysther makes a good point: "I promise that 'really great' will bring things to the relationship that are worse than 'pretty damn good'."

In this world of total customization (computers, cars, houses), there is a temptation to think that you can do that with people. Guy version 1.1.2 has features A, B and C...potentially upgradable to D and E. However, you just know that Guy version 2.0 will come with D and E already installed plus F...lots of F...wait, I digress...

Just like every new gizmo you find yourself thinking you cannot live without features that you didn't even know existed when you made your original purchase (is it just me or is there something screwed up about iPod video - how can you be on the go while staring at a screen? It's like people don't want to listen to...or now even look at... the world around them).

You start to feel like you were ripped off because when you bought yours, you didn't know the features of the new model were even possible.

But what you don't realize is that you are caught up in the features. You bought the original model because you really wanted the item. Now you are trying to upgrade individual features, but you have to buy the item all over again. What the hell are you going to do with two ____s?

So what am I saying?

"There is simply no way to remain satisfied with what you have if you forever have your eyes open for what might be next." - more from Allysther.

Man, have I learned that. It's hard not to stop shopping after you make the purchase, but when has that ever lead to anything other than regret.

Dont worry my friend, I know all of this. It's the total picture, not just parts.

How much of your life is really based on timing?

2005-11-16T23:46:00.000-05:00

After several frustrating talks with girlfriends/my sister, I found myself thinking about the whole idea of the "perfect mate" or "soul-mate". For the record, I do not believe in the idea that there is the one right person for each other person. That's just sentimental. Even on the S.A.T. it doesn't say "right answer", it says "best answer"..."best answer" and they wrote the damn test. Why do people think they can do better than this?

So anyway, my fellow female associates have me thinking that in general, there are a lot of women out there passing on really good, hoping for better, ending up with nothing - or worse yet, some guy we all know is a jackass, but my friend has to pretend he's great because we all know she let perfectly good guys take a hike.

But...if I am being perfectly honest...in my heart of hearts, I too am terrified about the alternative. You marry pretty damn good, the best you ever knew, and years later, after you have the little house with the white picket fence, you meet "really great". Now what?

Seriously, you have to ignore this or you just cannot function...right?

So, it all comes down to timing, but does that make sense? That something so huge should be based on pure circumstance? There should be an option besides either ruining the lives of everyone around you or blowing your chance to be truly happy.

I guess if everyone thought like I do, we wouldn't be able to form a society - but that's true about most of my views; they only work for me because most of the world thinks differently.

So is it obvious to everyone that I am avoiding something?

2005-11-11T22:31:00.000-05:00

I have not put up a thoughtful post in awhile now. That's because I am totally weighed down obsessing about the mess at work (I could tell you all about it, but it would sound like I was just making it up to get pity). I'll give you a glimpse into the first 15 minutes of my day today: the night before, at the request of the person I have formerly referred to as my champion, I spent 4 hours with a senior co-worker (platonic, not even flirting, so you know it was serious). During our talk it became obvious that my direct supervisor lied to him. He confronted her and I did my best to cover her with the "I-was-in-Bosnia-and forgot-to-follow-up" story, but he didn't really buy it. So this morning I walked in and my supervisor (who hasn't bothered to say 2 things to me in the 3 weeks I've been back) blasted me for talking to the senior co-worker. I am sick with a cold and I am bloated-up like a blow fish so I just took it...and the day pretty much when down hill from there.

See what I meant...that is just not interesting reading.

The other big point of anxiety in my life is the emotional drama playing out in the Bosnia office. It is like a f**k'd up soap opera out there. Was I smart enough to not get enmeshed in it? Nope. I'm in it up to my eyeballs. Sure there's office politics as thick and wicked as you can imagine, but there is this whole interpersonal dynamic too. We have totally lost control out there in more than just the professional sense.

And I cannot believe I threw my hat in the ring to give up everything I know, and much of that is completely safe and comfortable, to go to the other side of the Atlantic and try to calm the chaos.

Maybe they will not pick me...

Another pseudo post....

2005-11-10T23:21:00.000-05:00

Even though I don't entirely agree with the results...

The Suave Lover
40% partner focus, 66% aggressiveness, 50% adventurousness

Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that:

You prefer your romance and love to be traditional rather than daring or out-of-the-ordinary, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, you concentrate more on enjoying the experience rather than worrying about your performance.

This places you in the Lover Style of: The Suave Lover.

The Suave Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and is reminiscent of some of the most classic lover figures of all time, such as Casanova or Don Juan, or more recently James Bond (several of the "Bond girls" fit this type, too). This shouldn't be confused with a "player" or someone who is solely interested in physical love, but someone who is looking for an incredibly elusive thing: a worthy partner. The Suave Lover is a treasure to find, but can be incredibly difficult to hold on to, once found.

In terms of physical love, the Suave Lover can sometimes be surprisingly tender. Given the right setting, and the right lover, the Suave Lover can be a delight in bed.

Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Devoted Lover (most of all) or the Romantic Lover, or the Liberated Lover.

Congratulations!

Thanks Again! -- THE LOVER STYLE PROFILE TEST

Letter to one of my favorite students...

2005-11-07T23:21:00.000-05:00

One of the student workers in my office is studying abroad in Europe this semester. We have been writing back and forth about every couple of weeks. This was my reply to his latest message to me...

Dear A,

When I first wrote to you I was going to say that I wanted to try again to get together because I was going to Sarajevo November 18. Now I will probably not go over again until the new year.

I'm sure I will never get the whole story about what when on in Amsterdam - actually, no matter what, you shouldn't tell me until after graduation. Several people are trying to convince me to go to Amsterdam, but I don't know...I get myself in enough trouble in Sarajevo. As with most of my travel decisions it will depend on the companions. I need that perfect blend of willing-to-let-go and some-sense-of-reason. In other words, I don't want to go with people who would hold me back, but I need someone who would reel me in if things started to get out of hand.

Anyway, Denmark, Sweden, Russia, and Brussels, wow! I'm glad you mentioned something about taking classes...I was beginning to wonder. I hope that part is going well too. It is going to be hard readjusting to little old Newark. Honestly, I had a hard time adjusting coming from Miami and now that I spend time in a city again, I am having some of those same feelings.

...People ask me why I love my job. I think it's because it made me realize that my life could be BIG. I can't imagine going back to sitting at the same desk in Newark day-in, day-out. I know at some point I might have to, but I hope not and I certainly don't have to think about that today.

I hope you realize the same thing too, now. I hope this experience will make you brave enough not to settle for a life that doesn't inspire you and will motivate you to work hard enough not to ever have to.

-Ann

P.S. - Note that I didn't even ask about that girl in the picture ...

Do I deserve better?

2005-11-06T23:58:00.000-05:00

This is not to say that in general everyone shouldn't strive for more for themselves, and this isn't one of those self-pitying entries where I argue that I suck and therefore don't deserve more. I am just wondering, since I have it pretty good. I could see in a lot of ways were I could screw up "pretty-darn-good", trying to get something "better" - whatever that means.

My looks...
I am pretty convinced that on a scale of 1 - 10, I'm about an 8. I have been told this enough times across several decades to know that this is likely my statistical true score. So for awhile now, I have been considering a tummy tuck. I also have thought about having my nose narrowed and cheekbones reconstructed like Halle Barry probably did. Then again, what if the surgery is completely successful, and now I'm a 9. What would that get me? Then in 5 - 10 years, wouldn't I have to do it all again?

My wardrobe...
Ok, you got me there. I deserve better. I just hate to spend money on clothes. For some reason I can't see spending more than $30 on a single piece - yes that includes dresses and shoes.

My house...
You know how close you are to me by whether or not I have ever let you see the inside of my house on short notice (short notice = less than one week). I just cannot spend time cleaning. I am working on a project now that would go so much easier if I could have people at my house, but there is just no way. I do not want people seeing how I live. When I am in Sarajevo, I am religious about my apartment, so to those of you who have visited me there, it doesn't count. I mean my home, home. In this case, I don't deserve better because I don't take care of what have.

My car...
I drive a beige Toyota Camry. It's just pure irony. When it dies, I'm gonna get one just like it.

My love life...
I know this is what Three Husskateers is getting at. There is a saying that everyone gets 2 great loves. By age 23, I had three. Sure things are not perfect right now, but they are pretty-darn-good. He loves me, treats me well, and he's letting me run off to Bosnia without complaint. He hasn't bought me a piece of valuable jewelry in forever, the flowers in the office are never for me, and our last trip "just the two of us" was 3 years ago and it was to meet my sister in Thailand. We were alone for the flight over, tho. When we got to Ko Samui he couldn't understand why I wanted separate rooms for us and her.

*sigh*

But I don't have to look far to see what life is like for the truly single. It is pretty clear that it is especially brutal for women "my age".

So my dreams of romance with him will be unfulfilled in exchange for a reality that is better than most people could ever hope for. The question of whether or not I "deserve" better is eclipsed but the fact that the odds are way against me of actually being able to find better.

What's outside the window?

2005-10-24T21:58:00.000-04:00

"...Where ever I was I always found myself looking out the window wishing I was somewhere else - now I live outside the window" - Angelina Jolie

I am totally aware of how trite it sounds to say that one of the people I identify most with in the world is Angelina Jolie. I am actually somewhat embarrassed by it to the point where I have only mentioned the connection I feel with her to a handful of people. Last night I saw her on Inside the Actor's Studio - I never watch that show, but he had it on and there she was. About 15 minutes in he exclaims, "Holy shit, she is your personality twin".

I'm not trying to say that my looks are in her league - get past that for a second.

And yes it's true that we have a great deal in common sexually. We both grew up in unstructured households and had regular sexual partners at a young age. The connections that most people have about sex (e.g., sex and love should go together, sex is a major event in a relationship, sex should be with one person) and the divisions (e.g., gay vs. straight sex, indulgence vs. restraint, what "should" happen vs. what you want to happen) that people create in their minds don't exist because those are adult constructs. I never had that period in my life where I was talking about "what if" I had sex - I was having sex within a year or two of understanding what it was and to be truthful, it was years after I started having sex before I had any real desire for it.

...ok I digress...

What struck me last night was the little quote above. We have both been through our narcissistic immaturities and have come out the other side, almost accidentally, discovering that there is a world that exists outside of our panties. I used to think that there were only two choices: ho or homemaker. I've tried both. But there is this large margin in the middle. It's a place that American society tries to pretend doesn't exist.

Now that I have found my freedom and found what I want to do with my life (at least for the next year - no commitments beyond that...), I cannot imagine going back to the limitedness of American suburban life. No I have no real plan, but life is not a chess match. You can't solve all your problems by trying to think 8 moves ahead (this is because in chess you are up against a single clear adversary - in life you are up against much more than that, but you also have people helping you too).

Right now I know where my heart is leading me...I just hope I get the chance and have the courage to follow.

Is it bad for your career to be an essential part of your identity?

2005-10-15T11:01:00.000-04:00

What do I do if taking a promotion may cost me some things that are really important to me?

I don't need the money (not because I'm rich but because it wouldn't really be that much money).

I would be doing it for control...
...control of something that I believe in deeply.

I would be doing it to keep my lifestyle...
...a lifestyle that I am totally addicted to now; I haven't figured out what I will do when this contract is over.

I would be doing it because it is who I am...
...and what I have been striving for; it's the whole point of getting involved in higher education as a field.

But I would have to move to Sarajevo. That is not the hardship for me. I already have an apartment and friends (and obviously a job).

The hardship is moving away from my family and the life I already have.

...but it's just for a year.

And I have to do this. If after everything, I get the ball, I cannot just hand it back. I mean *I* cannot do it, because for me, what I do as a job, the activity that I chose to be the product of my life's energy, is part of what I am.

But I realize that over time, Delaware will forget me. Delaware will move on.

But it's just a year...can things hold together for a year?

Maybe I won't be coming home in a year and a year will become 2, then 5, then 20...but I can make those decisions separately...for right now it's a year.

But I see the road that I am on and it's not leading me home...

For 12 years, the love of my life has been saying that he knows that one day I will pack up and leave all promises and smiles, never to return to him; he is just waiting to find out when.

When I called him excited with the news, there was silence... and then he said:

"Well, here it is. This is it."

And there has been a lump in my throat that I cannot swallow ever since.

Because he is right.

If I'm brave enough to write it, why are people too scared to comment?

2005-10-09T16:57:00.000-04:00

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.
-Henry David Thoreau

Sometimes out here I can really lose myself. In the storm of the "here and now" I find myself living moment to moment... and making choices as if I only live moment to moment, like my choice in this moment will not affect the next.

I hope I have left enough bread crumbs behind so that I can find my way home.

Sometimes I think about my goals and plans and swell up inside with excitement... and then I remember home and everything fades and starts to fall around me like a field of fireflies dying mid-flight, one by one.

Sometimes I think of home and the warmth and love radiate around me...and then I think of my plans and goals and fear freezes my heart. I'm going to have to go "out there" away from what is safe and known.

So I have been out here in Bosnia for the better part of a month. In my imagination I was going to blog everyday with updates. Right, so that didn't happen.

I read other blogs just to know that life is still going on at there: a 16 year-old in Japan worried about school, a 20 year-old Swedish hiker whose blogs I can barely guess the meanings of, a couple from Connecticut excited that they are pregnant with their first baby.

And I didn't comment any of them...

Why?

When I read other blogs I feel like a voyeur. I assume they didn't mean to have me for an audience and so I leave no footprints behind (unless I get curious about them and end up putting another tick in the number of profile views).

Even though I thought it was the coolest thing when Bart commented my first post, I find myself to distant from most bloggers - either because of age, religion, age, interests, age, place in life, etc. Does a 25 year old in Thailand really want to hear from me?

Actually probably yes.

I see that most blogs do not have much more than a handful of comments. 213 people have viewed my profile (ok, probably 13 and one dude 200 times; please stop, I know who you are!), but only 4 people have ever made a comment.

So if you are out there, and you read this, just say "hi". That's great...it really doesn't need to be more than that.

Nothing to say...

2005-10-04T16:39:00.000-04:00

Listen,

I have so much to say, that I can't say, but I am burning to say, but I won't say.

I just told my friend:
"I just wish I was not such a tragically flawed human being...
I wish I could be the person that people think I am...
or that I am capable of being"

I also wish that I could be totally free...
but my sense of loyalty and duty are very strong
They lock me up tight...and that's not entirely a bad thing

What causes earthquakes?

2005-09-27T05:05:00.000-04:00

Tuesday, September 27 around 2:30 a.m. an earthquake rocked Sarajevo. Not "ROCKED" like death and destruction, but "rocked" as you would a baby that is already deeply asleep.

Entranced by my wild dreams, the bed shook, but surely the tremors were the result of my exquisite fantasy.

Imagine my shock when I discovered everyone knew about my earthquake. I felt strangely exposed. But no, there was a real, actual earthquake.

So now I know what causes earthquakes... and why there are so many in California :)

Does romance take 2?

2005-09-20T02:20:00.000-04:00

Light evening rain
Street lamps light the Ferhadija

I pass the Catholic Church and I stop to take in the moment
...and 10 minutes turn to 20

Umbrella poised lazy on my shoulder
Pulling every second deep into memory

The clock strikes midnight

If you have no internet and no mobile phone are you still a person?

2005-09-17T17:29:00.000-04:00

I am here in Sarajevo now and my lack of connectivity is just killing me. This has nothing to do with Bosnia, just random stupid events.

When my computer was repaired a month or two ago, the tech rep replaced my mother board with one that does not have a modem. 99% of the modern world would never notice, but I rely on dial-up out here to log on at home and do things like update my blog. So here I am at the office at 5:30pm on a Saturday.

On top of that, there was confusion about my mobile chip so I don't have a mobile phone. I can't write my friends to tell them I am here because where would they call. I can't read mail so I can't even reliably reply.

I tell you, this is the highest degree of roughing it I can take. It is almost sundown and I have no plans and no way to make plans - on a SATURDAY NIGHT no less. I have email addresses for friends, but then I can't go home. I'd have to stay at the office waiting for someone to write back. I'm not capable of that level of desperation. I can't call anyone because their phone numbers are in my phone which is in the hands of the person who screwed up the chip. It was her birthday yesterday and I forgot so I couldn't possibly proceed to whine about my phone problems.

The next time someone even brings up the idea of camping (other than camping out for tickets - the only "good" camping), I need to recognize that I would never be able to handle it for even 24 hours.

I have met the "other woman" and it has shaken my self confidence...why?

2005-09-12T20:28:00.000-04:00

For those of you who don't know or can't figure out, I thrive on being the center of attention - specifically male attention. I'd rather be in a random photo shoot for Maxim than the front cover of Good Housekeeping (and I work hard everyday to make sure Good Housekeeping doesn't come calling).

So I have known for more than a year that there is another woman in my office who is often spoken of as being attractive and men bend over backwards to run into her and make conversation, etc. Of course I immediately cyber stalked her and found a picture...

Phew....what a relief, she's not all that. At least IMHO...

Then on Friday, I spoke with her at good length at a reception. Every minute I talked to her my heart sank lower and lower. First of all, she's Dr. Other Woman. I always knew that, but there are some amazingly stupid people that somehow manage to get PhD's. As she talked, it became more and more clear that she was not one of them. Nor is she boring, sadly (at least for me) I'd say her personality is not less than sparkling. Oh well, maybe she won't get tenure and I'll be off the hook in just 3 - 4 years...Damn, that's not going to happen, she's pretty freakin' great. At least there's just the two of us in a male dominated office. I guess I will just have to share. I wonder if people have the "Ginger/Marianne" debate about the two of us...

Saturday, more difficulties. A married friend's wife had her baby shower. (If you can follow this, the friend is best friends with the guy from Aug 5 & Aug 17). I know that my friend still thinks I'm hot because he kisses me on the mouth whenever he sees me and we have met up in groups with our female friends that he also knows well and the mouth kisses (and occasional pats on the backside) are just for me.

And then, one day I started to hear a name, a woman's name, creep into conversation more and more. He had just been transferred to a new office and "she" works there. And they talk and talk. His wife, whom I've become very friendly with asked me if I though if they were more than friends. I found myself getting really pissed and thinking, better f*cking not be!

So I get to the shower. I look around the room at all the yentas and realize that I don't know anyone. I am not typically invited to these things as all of my friends are guys. In this case, the party was being thrown by the mother of my friend. So then I see someone who I felt I could relate to because she looked as uncomfortable as I did.

Thank God! She was great. Smart, funny, we exchanged emails...decided to make plans for when I get back from Bosnia. Then she says, "I was having so much fun, I never properly introduced myself; Hi, I'm 'Other Woman'". It was all I could do not to pull my hand away like I was touching a hot stove. Now I've got plans with her. *sigh*

People have long supposed that the way I think is because I have a crappy relationship with my father and therefore I crave male attention. Maybe, but I also grew up in a society that prizes prowess with the opposite sex.

However, I do think that the fact that I never had a love relationship with my parents makes me hyper-insecure. I'm not needy. I'm not a constant flowers and candy chick, but go on a trip and bring nothing back for me and there will be hell to pay. Why? Because you went away and didn't think of me while you were there. Well, maybe you did, but how would I know? It's not about the gift; for me it's truly the thought that counts.

It's like the fact that I didn't get attention as a kid means that I have an irrational fear of somehow fading into the background.

It's wrong, but I miss it. Am I a bad person?

2005-09-06T20:31:00.000-04:00

So I am getting ready to head back to my home away from home: Sarajevo, Bosnia i Herzegovina.

There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head that I cannot sleep at night. I have a pretty high pressure list of things to accomplish and the situation out there with the leadership of our project has never been more tense. The project is definitely at a turning point and everyone feels it. (For those of you who share my love of football, it's like we are down by 2pts and because of a broken play there is a jump ball in the end zone - it is equally important for each team that they be the one to come down with the ball)

...But in all this stress and confusion...there is one thought...one worry, that keeps surfacing over and over again...

There's a guy (you could just tell I was going here) that IMs me (tell me that wasn't a surprise) when I am in Sarajevo. He IMs me other times, but when I am in Sarajevo, it's different. It's everyday...and sometimes...it gets...dirty.

I loved it. It got to were I craved it...and then he told me what I kind of already sensed: he is uncomfortable with our "chats". So I said I would be good and not "lead him into temptation" figuring he was just going through a phase, but we went through the last week of my trip platonically.

Day 1

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

I mean really, he won't stop, he can't stop...nothing to worry about. Men typically have the willpower of a crack addict when it comes to sex so I can easily wait this out

Day 3

Anger (why is this happening to me?)

Doesn't he know I'm out here suffering? This sucks! How long do I have to keep this up... "Yes, we are having nice weather, and you", "Wow, that sounds fun", aaaahhhh!

Day 5

Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

What if we swear it won't lead to anything? We have always stopped when I get back stateside, why can't we just trust that we are in control?

Day 6

Depression (I don't care anymore)

You know, he is not someone that I would touch anyway. Not because he's married, but because he's the type where no matter how it happened, people would blame me. Who needs that wrap?

Day 7

Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

I knew I was heading back to the states and it would have ended anyway...and I always accepted that being stateside meant it's over.

Now, I'm wondering if it's really over.

All this work, all this pressure, and I am worried that I've lost my I.M. f**k buddy.

This guy has told me no, so it's I.M. rape if I start with him - but I want to...

It's not going to lead to anything - really! PROMISE!

Damn, I think I'm backsliding into "bargaining".

What will happen to America?

2005-09-04T00:11:00.000-04:00

Now I'm asking the questions...

There doesn't seem to be a place for me here. I have felt this for a long time.

I am not white
I am not Christian
I am not rich
I am not conservative
I am not hung up sexually
I am not OK with our love of violence

I am not comfortable in a hypocritical society
...where we promise equal protection under the law - unless you are poor, gay, etc.
...where we say "government for the people", but it really is for the special few
...where we say "government by the people", but only those who will tow the party line

We criticized communist Russia because people had to to be in the "party" to get anything
We criticize the middle east for having religious based government
We accuse Mexico of not caring for its poor
We call the Caribbean nations "Banana Republics" because of their stupid and corrupt governments.

Yes, like everyone else I am reacting to Hurricane Katrina, but for me, it is not the event itself itself as much as it is the incarnation of what I have for a long time believed about the form of "democracy" that we have here. This is not a democracy in the way I learned in 5th grade. We have a form of government that I have never heard of before. It's an oligarchy where the selection criteria to be the ruling class is money. The masses pay taxes (the "ruling party" does not) but are not really given much for that; it makes me think of the use of humans in "The Matrix" - our life force, the work of our hands, powers the social elite.

I am not as radical as the people who say we get nothing, that's not true - I look around me and see roads, and military, and other social programs - but I also see that the bottom rung here is so low and the top rung is so high.

I really believe that it is true that you have to take personal responsibility, but why is it that most of the people who are saying this are people who have never had to take personal responsibility. They are proud of the fact that they have won the socioeconomic race, but most of them practically started at the finish line.

The thing that has shocked me to the core about New Orleans is that it exposed that this is NOT a Republican thing. Where are the Democrats? Where is my party's leadership? This is an American thing. We as Americans have embraced our consumerist culture that measures worth only in terms of buying power. We are coming off of a 10 year orgy of expensive luxury cars and $500,000 houses. We sign our kids up for little league and scouts and private schools while there are other families that live in one bedroom apartments, don't own a washing machine, much less a car, and cannot get an adequate education for their kids.

...And we are OK with that because we can afford these things. To comfort ourselves we have made the words "afford", "deserve" and "earned" into synonyms.

No matter how much money I make, it will never mean that...

I have "earned" the right to ignore human suffering
I "deserve" not to have to consider the suffering of others
I can "afford" to believe that allowing others to suffer for my gain is acceptable

When I was a kid, people used to have bumper stickers that said "If you don't love [picture of a heart] America, get your ass [picture of a donkey] out".

How can you say you love America, if you don't love Americans?...all of them...and want the best for them...regardless whether they believe what you believe, or don't look or act the way you do, or love the gender you think they should, or whether or not you are comfortable with their choices.

So now I am considering that bumper sticker. Maybe I should get my ass out.

There is a part of me that thinks that if you are on a sinking boat, don't just stand there, grab a bucket and start bailing. But, then, it's there a point where you have to throw down the bucket and grab a life vest.

There is some kind of tipping point.

I often think of how much better life was for the Jews that left Germany before the rise of the Reich. How did they know it was time to leave? What was the clue for the people who left Cuba before Castro came to power? You can find the points in history that seem so obvious to us in modern 20/20 hindsight, but I wonder if people will look back on this moment in our history and ask, why didn't the disenfranchised rise up against their unjust "democratically elected" government while they still had the chance?

I can't say that I have anything other than paranoid apocalyptic fears of what will happen, but I really do think something will. Something that will make me full of regret.

We have just shown a very dangerous world that our flank is totally exposed.

Rebuttal...

2005-09-02T02:19:00.000-04:00

Read this: my life...and probably every other girls haha

Very well written.

I was almost "every other" girl. When I was 13, the summer I turned 14, right before 9th grade, I met him. The last guy I ever pined for, the last time I gave the keys to my heart to someone else, the last time I let my guard down. It's not that I have never let anyone else in - I just never handed over the keys.

This guy was the most talented sax player. I had never played sax before but wanted to learn - not just learn but be in the marching band (our band was one of the absolute top in the state). Mr. Tolbert, the band director, told this guy that since he sat first chair and was captain of the saxophone section, I was his responsibility for the summer. If he could teach me to play, come fall I'd march with the band. I never wanted anything more than to make the band...until I heard this guy play, and then I never wanted anything more than him. I did the stuff Kelsey talked about: "worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch"; "time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint"; "spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines".

At the end of the summer, a new swanky mall opened and hired musicians to play. I knew that this guy had a sax quartet (2 altos, 1 tenor and 1 baritone) but I had never heard them. The were offered a time slot at the mall and he told everyone to come out and see them [total sidebar - almost no one came because the new mall was in the white, rich, Jewish section of town and our band was all black except one white girl on flute and a brother and sister who were Mexican]. So I went...

I was running late so when I got there, they were already set up to play. They were wearing their marching band uniforms which must have looked pretty comical to the shoppers. This was not a concert, just live background music, so people were just milling around - and then they started to play "Careless Whisper". People froze. People stepped out of stores to hear. No one was coming rushing over to see...they just stopped in their tracks along the promenades and balconies. I stared at him and the sound so completely filled me that I became unaware of my surroundings.

It ended...there was a moment of silence...and then thunderous applause. I was thinking that I just wanted to rush up on the stage and kiss him like were were alone on an island at sunset and...What the hell!!! Some other chick must have been thinking the same thing. She ran on the stage and he put his arm out to her - he put his arm out! - and they were kissing.

At the same moment, my heart stopped beating, I stopped breathing, and I thought I was going to throw up.

That night, there was a knock on my window - him! "Why did you run away?", "She means nothing to me", "I have wanted you all summer" And so I snuck out of my house and spent the whole night just talking to him in his car (he was a senior). We connected, we bonded, and I knew I would give myself to him and we would live the rest of our lives in each other's arms.

Since the day I started kindergarten I had never been more excited for the first day of school. I was leaving the geeky president of the computer club (really, I was) back in Jr. High and I was starting my first day of high school as the girlfriend of the captain of the saxophone section who was a senior - the ultimate trophy! Plus I had made the band. I couldn't wait for woodwind practice, 3rd period! Ok, in between first and second period I passed a gaggle of other band members who seemed to be looking at me and laughing - but that's just freshman paranoia...

Nope! Turned out that in the week between our "magical evening" and the start of school, he managed to tell just about everyone about this pathetic little freshman that he was forced to tutor over the summer who had this huge crush on him and who stupidly thought he would want to be my boyfriend. He told them some of the personal things I had shared with him that night. I was a total laughing stock.

So guess who knocked on my window that very same night... "I'm so sorry", "Please forgive me", "I was embarrassed to tell anyone I had fallen for you", blah, blah, blah... but this was the best line I think I have ever been fed: "I wish I could face my friends; I want to be strong for you, no, for us". A sinlge tear fell from the corner of his eye and I was kissing him before it reached his cheek.

This went on and on and on. I endured the laughing and the insults and eventually, he started hitting me and I took that too. The "relationship" came to a spectacular end when he slapped me in the hallway and my cousin's friend saw it. My cousin then burst into our math class with several of his football teammates and beat the crap out of him (this guy was bad enough at math that he and I were in the same class).

I transferred the next year, but I had learned my lesson. And now, practically 20 years later to the day, I would never let someone get the upper hand again.

My #1 dating law: No Pining!
If I see I guy that looks interesting, I talk to him immediately. If there seems to be any mutual interest, I ask him about meeting him for something - bite to eat, coffee, etc. If I offer and am rebuffed, I put the guy out of my head immediately and never look back - if he really is "busy", "going out of town" or any of that other crap, he will just have to find me. If you stick to this, you will always have enough guys in play that no one guy dominates your thoughts. Then, when you are ready, you can choose to be more serious.

Why do women insist on tears and martyrdom? Look at my picture...the best you could say is kinda pretty. I'm not a woman that is watched when I walk into a room, but I make damn sure I'm watched on the way out.

I'm not going to lie...I obsess about my weight and my clothes (esp, my lingerie) and my appearance, but that's maybe about 20-30% of the package. The rest is about capturing the imagination.

Yep, you guessed it, I don't have a lot of women friends.

I watched Brigdet Jones' Diary with a colleague who said the movie was her lifestory, meanwhile, I totally didn't get, even for a second, why a grown woman would act this way.

People think that people like me are totally different from them, but that's not true. I am making a conscious choice to grab the reigns and in a lot of ways, these "nice girls" consistently choose to sit in the passenger seat.

I really loved Kelsey's piece because in the middle she tosses out an insult:
"This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but [you] won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship"

Who could tire of the tearful "nice girl" shouting whore or slut? Not me I tell you.

It bothered me at first but I came to realize that the "nice girls" and I want two different things. "Nice girls" go out for a coffee with a guy and start fantasizing about their life together and the guy senses this and thinks about how to hold this girl at arms length. On the other hand, I'm fantasizing about our night together and how far I'm going to let things escalate and the guy is thinking about how he can get more. I know you are thinking guys are too dumb to pick up on this stuff, but you'd be surprised how quick they catch on to nuances conversation topics like:

"Nice Girl"
Your day at work
Your favorite teacher
Your favorite TV show
A problem you are concerned about
How much you love your cat(s)

Other girl
Sports/World events/something he'd care about
Favorite sexy jokes
Sex
Sex
How much he'd love my...um...cat, right

See the difference?...men do.

Ok, I'm being extreme, but I have had the displeasure of watching enough women in action that I now understand completely why men are obsessed with sex. If men didn't have overwhelming sex drives, the human race would have died out because men would never have put up with all the cutesy talk just to get to the sex.

C'mon Russell...

2005-08-31T19:47:00.000-04:00

So last night as I was headed home I heard Russell Simmons being interviewed on NPR. He was being asked if he felt his record label has participated in the glorification of the gangster lifestyle and violence in general. He defended by saying that people in Compton have the right to talk about their surroundings and their experiences.

Essentially, I agree because that’s all country music is. People don’t have a problem with it because it is glorifying the cowboy lifestyle and the truck driver lifestyle.

That said, hip hop and rap obviously glorify the gangster lifestyle.

While it’s true that living in the inner city seems pretty shitty (Miami barely has an inner city, I lived in da ‘hood – I’d thank you to note the distinction), and the situations these artists sing about are surreal, they are also INCREDIBLE! These events are so distinct and special that 99.99% of Americans will never experience anything remotely like them in their whole lives let alone live in a place where they would have these experiences again and again.

That was a great thing about moving to Delaware. For example, I have only ever been shot once and to be honest it was in the knee and I was grazed really. Also it happened on the playground when I was 5 so I wasn’t doing anything cool. Plus, by high school, it was a just a faint mark. I had friends who had been shot up – 5, 6 real wounds all over. In Miami, I never brought up my “GSW” because it would just be embarrassing. In Delaware, where I have yet to meet anyone who has ever been shot – or even grazed, I am a giant among midgets. (Thanks to “W”, I bet I’m gonna end up not being too special any more. Plenty of people my age are getting shot up pretty good right now.)

…and I have to admit too that I don’t know many people in Delaware that have a past like mine. In Miami, because I never stripped professionally and never was “managed”, my friends (who had) said that me and “my kind” were just “users” – now, thanks to the spread of hip hop culture, we are not “users” – negative connotation, but “players” – damn, that sounds better.

…and when I talk to the uninitiated, I can’t help but talk about the incredible things that happened. I am “glorifying” that lifestyle. In a lot of ways, now that it is the past, I have forgotten much of what sucked about it and I don’t focus on ways in which living like that at such an impressionable age has made it difficult to blend into suburbia. Obviously, I am totally nostalgic about it too.

No, I am not a rap/hip hop follower, but these people who argue that it should be banned because it encourages young whites to feel disappointed that they didn’t grow up in the projects are missing the point. I would argue that Russell Simmons knows that what he said on NPR isn’t true. He knows the majority of these artists are not singing about their own real experiences. They are talking about these incredible stories. It’s about story telling, not reality. It’s about young people, rich, poor, black, white, in the US or the Ukraine feeling powerful, larger than life, bigger than their surroundings.

…and for those of us who have lived some approximation of these stories, know how far they are from the truth.

…and know that the only way into this world legitimately is to be born poor in a city, grow up with next to nothing, raised by family members who were just trying to survive themselves – and be surrounded by fear and violence at home, at school, every where.

…and it sucks

…but there is some poetic justice served every time a group of upper middle class white kids drives by me with their dark tinted windows and bass blasting. I spent my youth feeling jealous of them and it turns out, they think they would have wanted to live like me (Bill Maher: “little Ashley trading her kootchie for Gucci”).

What's the question?

2005-08-29T22:55:00.000-04:00

So I have this friend at work who confessed that he reads my blog. I joked with him today that he could probably get a lot of inside info by reading what I write...but that's not why I am concerned. I am concerned because I really tell this guy just about anything and everything. After he left my office today I found myself thinking, other than work gossip, is there anything new here for him?

My life is such an open book in general. Other than stupid trivia, I think people know about all there is to know about me. Yet people seem to look at me like they have a question they are dying to ask, but won't.

What's the question? Is it the same for everyone?

Why are people afraid to just ask? I view myself as being really open - maybe that is not how others see me.

Lately I have found myself feeling kind of cut off from others.

At work today everyone went to lunch together and "forgot" to invite me - again. It's been happening all summer. I feel like my co-workers know what is going on, but no one is telling me. My direct supervisor has been particularly distant. She came out to Bosnia with me and she and I along with another colleague even took a nice little trip to Dubrovnik. That was early June. Since she returned to the US, she has held me at arms length. Was I too open with her? Did I say something offensive? (Keep in mind this woman used the words "bitch slap" in a meeting with the Dean and a department chair present to refer to a faculty member)

Also today a colleague of mine who works in Bosnia was commenting that a mutual acquaintance and I have gotten closer. It's true. Over the last month or so, we have IM'd everyday...but we were closer in January. We spent some time together and he told me things - deep, important things - that I have now come to understand are not typically shared with anyone ever - and yet he told me. I can remember the words he spoke like he is here speaking them now.

But then for more than 6 months...silence.

He would avoid even being in the same room with me, much less alone with me. My colleague said, "you have that effect on people; you should stop". He reminded me how important it will be that I remain professionally connected to this acquaintance and how I shouldn't get intimate with him. True, but the damage is done. I know he remembers that night and maybe he can handle it better than I, but I can't just set it aside. I will be seeing him in just a few weeks and I would be lying if I said that I am not completely anxious about it. My inclination is to just hang back and see what he does, but he is an introverted, cautious person who typically sticks to the background and observes. The first two times I came to Sarajevo, he never spoke more than a dozen words to me. I have to find a way to put an hand out to him without scaring him off or letting him too close...and I'm running out of time to firm up an alliance between us.

...and he has a question in his eyes too. Something he wanted to ask me, but didn't...why not? Is it me? After being so open with me, why hold back?

I suppose *I* could always ask...

...but not him...someone else...need the alliance...not intimacy...got it ;)

Impossible choices, Part 2: What's the "Right" Choice

2005-08-27T20:35:00.000-04:00

When I worked at the University Advisement Center, 18 year old freshmen would sit crying in my office unable to chose a major. They were paralyzed with an obsession for making "the right choice". This was such a common occurrence (especially at this time of the year). The most common mistake I felt they were making was letting too many voices get into their heads.

Mom says, "You need to make good money"
Dad says, "Make me proud - remember, I'm paying BIG for this!"
Little Brother says, "Your ass better graduate on time - I'm not sharing college with you too"
Cool Aunt says, "Be yourself" (whoever that is!)

...and the student him/herself, eager to avoid screwing up, wants all of these things and cannot find that perfect major or combination of majors/minors that will please everyone. So instead they spin their wheels and their choices narrow and narrow with time. Then they feel bitter when circumstances end up making the decisions for them.

I take the following things from watching this unfold over the years...
1) Unless you have flawless and far reaching psychic powers, you will not have all of the information about every option. Gather as much information as you can gather quickly, but do not let information gathering take the place of making the decision.
2) Act! Your options are typically best and broadest initially.
3) Commit. Stop dwelling on the options that you set aside. I think that there is some merit to reviewing the choice you did make, but we all know what happens to people who try to run forward while looking over their shoulders.

Another really big thing I try to do is to really focus on what I want. Someone once told me that if you are ever totally torn over two options, put it to a coin toss. If you flip the coin and are happy with the outcome, you were probably leaning that direction anyway. If you flip and then are desperate for a "do over", clearly, you wanted the other choice more. I know it is important to consider the impact of your decisions on other key players in your life...but to a limit.

My mother is the walking breathing example of this. Undergrad from Cornell (Phi Beta Kappa), Masters from University of Michigan, she joined the US Foreign Service and served in Uruguay. She had a bright and promising career - and then she met my dad. Although she barely knew him, she quit her job, got married. Three kids later and more than 15 years into a horrible marriage, she decided to go back to Law School, but she had abandoned us long before that. She hid from her abusive husband at work and then at school, then at her new job as an attorney.

She is here visiting me now and we talked for 4 hours last night. She is disappointed with how her life turned out and she has a list of people that she blames - including me. Over and over again, I kept saying that it was her choices that have caused her problems. She will never agree with that assessment because she has filled her life with scapegoats for a reason...

It's far easier to throw your hands up and blame others, than it is to put all of the weight for your fate onto your own shoulders.

So here's what I know... the people whom I love, I love because of who they are, not where they are or what they do. Those people know that they can count on me, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. Therefore, the most important thing for me to consider is myself and what would make me happy. Or I will end up like my mother, constantly taking the path of least resistance and claiming that I did it in sacrifice to ones that love - that way I can later be bitter and blame them for my unhappiness.

P.S. - I quit the Eagles. I had to...I'm gearing up for my 6th trip to Sarajevo and I would have had to work the Bengles preseason game yesterday (the stadium was practically empty after half-time, but I would have had to put in 10-12 hours anyway) and the Eagles Carnival tomorrow. It just got to be too much...even for me...

Impossible choices

2005-08-24T21:23:00.000-04:00

Changes are coming for me professionally. I have no control over anything that is about to happen, but I get to make one choice:

Option A: Follow a person who has been my champion for the past year. I don't know where he is going (but I will before I have to choose), but I do know that I would be starting fresh...new job, new state (there is no chance I could remain in Delaware), new friends, and hopefully new salary that is more in line with my skills and contributions. A big downside is that then my destiny will be tied to another person for at least a year or two. I could definitely be going from the frying pan into the fire.

Option B: Stay where I am, keep the job I love and the life I have made for myself. However, not only will my champion be gone, but the two people that would be above me on the project hold a decent amount of contempt for me. The one who would be replacing the lead person on the project is someone I have had a long negative history with and it's pretty unrealistic that his opinion of me will change in the near future. The second person I have only known for a year. His dislike of me stems from the fact that he is lazy and incompetent and clearly feels threatened by me. I am afraid that this will be a totally toxic environment.

I think I will only get one chance to make the call. If I don't go with my champion, I do not think he will ask again. I have some feeling that he has controlled circumstances to manipulate things such that I will get the worst possible deal by choosing not to leave, but I cannot prove that - it's just a suspicion.

I have no idea how I will get a good night's sleep until this is resolved.

Do I love myself?

2005-08-21T23:09:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure what this means. I think I'm too close to the project ;)

Ok, so I am asked this quite a bit in a bunch of different forms - usually in relation to the choices I have made in my life. Does the fact that I took a job in Bosnia mean that I am taking unnecessary risk and therefore do not love myself? Does my obsession with my appearance mean I really love myself or that I hate myself (or at least my outer self)? If I decided to do something about my appearance like exercise, do I love myself and want to be healthy...but I thought being concerned about my appearance was unhealthy...or is it all in the motive. I'm not convinced there are lots of people in the gym who aren't at least partially thinking about appearance. But that's other people...

But I guess "other people" are a central issue in the whole question, because I never ask myself if I love me. That's the biggest sign that I do. I don't ask myself if I love the people that I love. I don't think love is a deliberate or conscious thing. I think it happens before we realize it, so we cross the line and then look back at it from the other side. I think I can pinpoint the moment that I knew for sure that I loved a certain person, but the love obviously started before that.

...and I think it's the same with me. I know I love myself. Yes, sometimes I make choices based on impulse and I take risks I shouldn't and indulge in things and activities and people that I shouldn't.

So?

I am happier for living that way - even when I get hurt. When I think about my skating, I remember the spectacular finishes as well as the spectacular crashes with a self-satisfied clarity. Mentally, I gloss over the failures and the million hours of practice just run together. But the first set of stitches I got mean as much as my first gold medal.

Why is it so hard to say what you mean?

2005-08-17T04:22:00.000-04:00

So in the week since I last wrote (ok, I know I just cut & pasted something, but at least you knew I was alive...), there have been more adventures with the mystery man from my August 5th post.

We went out to dinner on Saturday night. He spent 3 hours telling me he was never going to see me again - and plying me with alcohol. He explained that his love for me was going to ruin his marriage unless he made a clean break (Duh! I told him this the last time we spoke). He wanted me to "admit" that I loved him. His reasoning being that since he was never going to talk to me again regardless of what I said, this would be my last chance.

Instead of telling him, "I don't love you", I said, "I can't tell you what you want to hear".

Why did I do this? I do not have problems with confrontation...wait...that's a lie. I have a problem with confrontations in that I am pretty well known for being argumentative to the point of being hurtful. I have difficulty letting things go at work and have hurt myself professionally because of it. So why couldn't I be honest?

I guess it's that "concept of love" issue again. I'm not sure what could be more devastating than to hear that the person you think you love doesn't love you back. Add to that, it's the person that you think you have been in love with for 15 years - and she doesn't love you back. Add to that knowing you could have her physically, but you can never have her love. I just couldn't imagine him dealing with that. I don't think he would accept that.

I say "think you love", because this guy absolutely does not love me. He lusts after me - and I find that really cool - but he does not love me. For whatever reason in his world, he has to attach the word love to his lustful feelings. Thank you Catholic Church! What a service they have done for society!

How do I know he doesn't love me?

Well, when we left the restaurant, he tells me that he and an ex used to go skinny dipping at a public pool and asks if I wanted to go. I told him no, but he took me there anyway. I refused to get out of the car. He attempted to woo me into taking my clothes off. When I didn't play along he attempted to forcefully remove my clothes.

Those of you who know me must be cringing thinking Oh, shit... Is he in the hospital?... Is he expected to live? For those of you who do not know know me, let me explain that I skated competitively so I am able to lift hundreds of pounds with my legs (a stunt I used to demonstrate at parties). More recently, in my work at the Eagles, I was able to immobilize men 2-3 times my size. In other words, I was never in any real danger unless he had a weapon, which he didn't. Nonetheless, I didn't do what I should of (which would have been to throw him a beating Philly style), I instead attempted to reason with him. When that didn't work, I immobilized him and said, "take me home immediately or I will leave marks on you that could never be explained to your wife".

Dejected, he drove me home. He even leaned in for a kiss when we got there. *Sigh*

But, I am asking, are these the acts of someone in love? If so, his honeymoon must have been a hoot! I feel sorry for his wife, but I can't tell her anything. He would just tell the typical husband lie that I am a stalker and am after him or something. Plus, I am hoping that this is it - it's over and I will never see him again (until I testify on his wife's behalf at their divorce proceedings). I certainly do not wish to entangle myself in the mess that their marriage must be. I know I am not the only woman he takes out for expensive dinners and gets drunk with so I have to think that this is what he does with the others.

...or maybe it's not. A friend of mine that also knows this guy asked if I thought ________ is suicidal and this was one of those "final acts" that are fairly common for people who plan to attempt suicide. The question was upsetting for me on two levels:

1) As a counselor, I should have thought of that, but really I didn't - at least not on a conscious level (I had to throw that in). He has a history of depression but has not seemed depressed to me in at least 2 years. As far as I know, and I think I would know, he has never attempted suicide.

2) I don't care.

This second fact really is difficult for me. I suddenly came to realize that not only do I not love him...even in the sense of "friendly love", but I'm not sure I like him. That night I dreamt that I was at his funeral and I saw his wife crying her eyes out and all I could think was "good thing she never knew the truth". Nothing about how tragic his death was or whether or not I should have done something more.

I know that sounds heartless, but it's true. I guess I could at least call one of our mutual friends to check up on him. Certainly, talking to me, suicidal or not, would just be more damaging.

2005-08-10T23:36:00.000-04:00

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How many people are you in love with?

2005-08-08T20:42:00.000-04:00

Well, there is no way to dance around this one without saying how I define love and how I know it for myself.

When I was young I believed what I heard in songs: "When you breathe I want to be the air for you" or "I would die for you". I thought being in love meant that the other person was everything to you - the center of the universe that is "you"... and by definition, the center meant one. One person who is all things; the "other half"; the thing to make life complete.

Damn that's a lot of pressure!

How am I supposed to find this mythical being among the billions of people on the planet?

How could any man or woman live up to this?

This is how people think that they are in love with celebrities. They look perfect, dress perfect, and are constantly portrayed as perfect.

The point at which I realized that this was not love, but some societally induced, Hollywood sponsored fantasy, is the point that I considered myself an adult. Clearly, most of my friends plan to die never making it to full adulthood, but that's a different topic.

In high school I read Their Eyes Were Watching God, by Zora Neale Hurston and it changed my life...not right then, but years and years later. I read the book in 1989 and have never reread it, yet the words reverberate in my mind constantly. In that book, she says:

"Love is lak de sea. It's uh movin' thing, but still and all, it takes its shape from de shore it meets, and it's different with every shore."

Kind of sounds cliché: "love is like the sea...blah...blah...blah"... but that is not what she is saying. She is talking about love in a radically different way than most people see it. People tend to believe love is a human experience that we hold in common. I think that is only partially true. The fact that most humans seem to need to create emotional bonds between themselves and other people and objects is the common experience. The causes and nature of these bonds are as unique and innumerable as snowflakes.

I may love someone by my standard of love, and that person may love me by his/her standard, so here we are...two people becoming one, right? We become a single entity - "the relationship". NO! There is no way for that to happen. My experience will always be different from how the object of my affection experiences being loved by me. I believe the fundamental cause of failure of most relationships comes from the irrational desire to force ourselves and/or our loved ones to be confined to this "one relationship" concept (and things like money, fidelity, and child rearing are tangible ways of keeping score of this conformity).

Just think about the people in your life that you love and how different those relationships are:

Mother: care giver -to- Child: seeker of praise
Older sister: protector -to- Younger sister: rebel
Friend 1: life of the party -to- Friend 2: enabler

In each of these, two people are in a relationship together, but having a totally different experience. I didn't talk about sexual relationships because that muddies the waters here. At some other point I'll talk about the sex/love issue.

So, how many people am I "in love" with right now, this minute?

You will have to trust me that I do not believe in love of obligation. No one gets my love as a birthright.

So, including all relatives, 7.

I'm not going to say who they all are, but I will say that one of them is someone that I have known every minute of my life, but just met a little over a year ago. She knows me like no one else can. We are related to each other by marriage and by birth. She pisses me off sometimes because she takes the stupid things I say or do too seriously and laughs at things I think are really a big deal. We have meaningless sex all the time and she isn't judgmental or clingy.

She said the most incredible thing to me the other day.

She said, "I am so proud to be you".

The difference between love and wanting to be loved...

2005-08-05T22:27:00.000-04:00

It's hard to address this without diving into the "What is love?" issue, but I want to try because I've got to tell this story. For the moment, I'm defining love as strong attraction of an entity to another entity or thing.

In my book, love is a biochemical reaction. I feel confident that we will eventually be able to create love in a laboratory setting. Not all chemical reactions are the same, right. Sometimes you just put two chemicals near each other and BAM! Sometimes, you have to alter them somehow to get them to react. Some chemicals will not react together no matter what the conditions are. So what I'm saying is that in my experience, love doesn't always happen right away, it could take time, but at some point you have to realize that it's just a no-go.

Wanting to be loved is this weird state. A magnet is still magnetic if it is not near metal or another magnet, but does it realize that it is lacking something? Humans in general seem to be like a mobile phone searching for signal. That's a good thing...that in general we yearn to be connected to others. But what happens when that need is driven by pure selfishness....

And here the story begins:

I need some work from a friend (I am intentionally being vague so as to protect his identity), but I could not pay for this work with money - at least I could never compensate him for what his time on the project would be worth. So I offer instead to take him out to dinner… and last night was the dinner...but for weeks leading up to it, he made one suggestive statement after another until it was pretty crystal to me that he planned to make me "pay" for his services with my, um…, services.

Little background about me: As the date neared, I was conflicted about whether or not I would go through with it and how far I would actually go. I really needed the work and I really couldn't pay for it and I really needed my friend to do way better than a half-assed job. In general, sex acts are not of great monetary value for me so from my perspective, this was like getting an 8 year-old to sell me his new bike for $5 - and if I can get him to trade it for a Pokemon card, all the better...but, I'd have to be pretty maniacal to go through with that deal without some twinge of guilt.

Little background on him: He's married - only just… less than 3 years. The marriage was a stupid idea on the part of both parties. I am dying to tell you why, but can't without making it obvious to the entire population of the tiny state we live in who I am talking about. He talks a big game, but he is relatively inexperienced sexually - keep in mind whose making that judgment, tho. I'd say he's had fewer than 7 partners total, lifetime...

Little background on us: ...and I am one. More than a dozen years ago, we had sex. Again...KILLING me not to tell you the story because it is unbelievable. The sex was OK, but the story is hilarious.

Speaking of stories...

So the day of the big date comes. He chooses the restaurant. It has a highly suggestive name. He tells me what to wear - dress, no panties. Fine. But I wore panties because…, well…, I'm just not a "no panties" person. It's not a sexiness issue, it's a hygiene issue

... back to the story. The restaurant was weird - trying to be Philly, but it was in Delaware so it had awesome decor, the waitstaff dressed in full black, the total 25-35 singles scene package... except as I perused the trendy drink menu, I couldn't help but notice the family of four to my immediate right and two women that appeared to be a mother and daughter to my left - daughter ~55, mother ~70. So, the Philly look, but not the Philly crowd.

Once we ordered I decided to launch into the scope of the work I needed done. This is because I didn't know where the evening was going and, damn it, if he was getting his, I was for sure getting mine. Also, I know this guy's drinking habits so I needed to get him to buy into the plan while he'd still remember the plan. So after about 15 minutes he's saying, no problem, he'd get it done, no big deal.

The waiter appears with the meal, just as I am told this bombshell: my date looked deep into my eyes and said, "If we are going to do this [he said "this" in away as to make it clear we were no longer discussing work], I have to know that you love me".

Have you ever almost choked on a drink and spit it out at the exact same second? I was convinced I was drowning, but I deftly played it off as if I needed to swallow hard and take a deep breath. The deep breath was of course needed to force back laughter.

I collect myself and asked about his wife, someone that I am well acquainted with, but we are certainly not friends (in general, women dislike me). Try to follow this one: of course he absolutely loves his wife and therefore it would only be worth cheating if we had true love; anything else would destroy his marriage. Luckily, I was so bewildered that the urge to laugh was gone. I told him that in my experience, falling in love with someone else, especially if that love is expressed sexually, is far more threatening to the main relationship than a meaningless one time romp. Nope, he's adamant that he would need love because it is not possible to separate sex and love - that's a myth.

Urge to laugh rising... rising... more deep breaths...

I told him that the connection between love and sex in American culture is a product of our society. Sex and love are no more connected than movies and popcorn (they are often together, but you can certainly have one without the other). Remember Pavlov's dogs where the ringing bell eventually caused salivation? In trained dogs a ringing bell was connected to food so the sound made them salivate. For untrained dogs, the bell did not cause salivation because there was no connection.

Suddenly, I realized that if he believed what he is telling me... Oh Sh*t! He is in love with me and has been since college! Yes, for years we have flirted. Yes, he does constantly touch me inappropriately. But honestly, he likes to talk like a player so I just thought he was trying to act the part too. If you knew this guy you would know that it would be totally possible to believe that these acts were insincere buffoonery rather than some manifestation of long sublimated lust.

So I just laid it out there. I returned his piercing gaze and said, "________, I don't love you; I can't love you. You must already know that". "Of course, of course, I know that", he said looking really flustered. And then he gets this really condescending tone in his voice and says something like, this is why I didn't marry you. "You are damaged goods".

Boy, I haven't heard that term in awhile. His wife has had several past serious relationships so I immediately confirmed he wasn't taking about virginity. He wasn't, but still the irony is pretty potent. He wants to commit adultery and I'm the one who is "damaged goods". But it gets better. He tells me that because I come from such a screwed up family situation, I could never be a decent wife or mother. And, get this...,

Because of this, he could never love me and therefore could never have an affair with me and I was just going to have to accept that my attraction to him was going to go unrequited.

Now, any normal woman would have thrown her drink in his face for all of this bullsh*t, but I kept my cool because:
1) I knew that he was just trying to hurt me because he felt hurt
2) He drove
3) I really need him to do this work for me (hey, I am where I am in life because I know how to keep my eye on the ball)

He proceeded to elaborate on his points so when the waiter came around, I was hoping he'd ask for the check. No folks, he ordered dessert... Not just any desert, but a specific dessert. One that we had shared very erotically in the past. Sorry, but I can't tell that story either.

When it came, he centered it between us and took the utensils away. WHAT? I tried to stay focused on the conversation. After a few minutes he starts into the dessert... he's staring at me. He's got to be kidding. "Come on. Come on, share this with me", he whispers. Fine. I grab a utensil off of the now empty table next to us and dig in - the look of disappointment on his face was just classic. Realizing defeat, or maybe realizing that he now looked ridiculous, he picked up a utensil.

So now I'm was wondering as we walked out to the car, what this evening all about anyway? This guy knows me well - my statement of non-love could not have been a shock unless he was totally delusional.

We get into the car and I could tell he was planning to not speak to me, so I turned on the stereo. "Ouga chucka, Ouga, Ouga, Ouga chucka... I can't fight this feeling/deep inside of me..." It was the Reservoir Dogs Soundtrack. One of my all time favorites (because of a guy of course; and not this guy). My date knew how much I liked it. He had actually given me a copy of this CD for Christmas 2 years ago...not realizing its significance to me regarding the other guy.

So the whole evening was totally choreographed. In his world, he was going to take me to dinner, we would profess our love for each other, and we would f*ck in his car to the tunes from my favorite CD. In other words, yes, he is totally delusional.

I think he now feels that I am a dirty whore and he is a saint who had nothing but the idea of helping a friend in mind when he agreed to go out with me to dinner.

After the big fight I just had with my sister, I have now learned that it is dangerous to f*ck with the little fantasies people create to make sense of their lives. If you do, you better be committed to seeing it all the way through. The last thing I wanted with this guy was to discuss this any further.

He pulls up to my place and I airily say, "Are we OK?"
He looks vacantly toward me and says, "No, Ann, we're not"
I say, "Ok then" and I handed him the documents, "I need this Wednesday as we agreed".

Sure, he'll probably do a half-assed job or not do it at all. Oh well. Luckily, he's not the only one who can do this and almost everyone I know that does is male, so... NEXT!

If a tree falls in the forest...Part 2

2005-08-05T16:44:00.000-04:00

To Allysther...

I saw my dad and I am fine. He is 72 now and I'm not 10. We have spoken...in-person, telephone or otherwise...a total of 5 times in 12 years and the distance works.

Yes, I find it hard to be supportive of people who are "trying" to get pregnant and are telling the world. Tell me what you did in the bathroom at the fancy restaurant, but if you say the word "ovulate" that's it - I'm outta there!

To Zanla...
I will be seeing my sister in-person tomorrow when we both arrive in Kentucky for my Nana's 90th birthday. So far this has been a totally email battle, which I think is part of the problem.

To Bart...
The interesting thing in my victim/victimiser situation is that no one meant any harm at all. It's just how things played out. There are no villains here and that makes it hard. There is some kind of human necessity to affix blame and something feels wrong when you can't.

If a tree falls in the forest...

2005-08-01T22:30:00.000-04:00

I have two main excuses for not writing:

1) No one was writing to me... I didn't really have a topic, a prompt, or *gasp* an audience

2) I am in the middle of an epic battle with my sister. Why? Because she's pregnant. This is good news. She is 29 and married. The issue is that she told my mother that she didn't want to tell me because she was afraid I would be "negative". Here's the thing - I'm not a negative person. Certainly, I'm no optimist. I can be blunt, true. Yes, I have a long and storied history of making cheap jokes at the expense of my friends. And I am pretty sarcastic and cynical, but negative? Maybe to myself about myself, but to others? Gloom and doom? Sorry, she's missed the boat.

So I called her on it. Here's a few lines of her retort:
"... I think that I've always been your little sister and not a separate adult that is respected as you would your peers. I don't often think that you care to ask me who I am or what I'm thinking because you assume to know. Partly, it is my fault ... I don't make extra effort to expose you or mom to my thoughts b/c I don't think they'll be received well."

Confusing, isn't it? Lot's of "you don't ask" and "I don't tell you". Sounds like some kind of f'd up government policy. She ends her message by saying she wants us to have a close relationship. Do I let it go? Of course not! I wrote back and asked her to reread what she wrote about me. I told her I would not want to have a relationship with the person she described. I was trying to get her to see that she was being irrational, by asking "Why do you want a relationship with me?"

She writes:
"If that is the impression you got from my email than I apologize for coming off that way. I, of course, value you as a person and as my sister. "
(Doesn't really address the question does it?)

But then she goes on...
"I really don't know what to say now because I think you're in a place in which you may attack whatever I say and I won't be able to say anything right."
(Huh? Are you following this?)

And there's more:
"I honestly feel like there may be something else going on in your life, some other stresses, that are contributing to how you're reacting to this situation. "

Hello! I was laughing as I read all of this. What can I do at this point? This is the danger of email. She is obviously reading stuff that I'm not writing. There is a whole dynamic here that has been put in play over the last 30 years - give or take.

It is true that I was a pretty lousy mother to her (I meant mother, not sister, keep reading). The verbal fights were beyond what any "normal" family would have ever experienced, and the physical fights were brutal. We bloodied each other on a pretty regular basis. Plus, the psychological tortures...

I locked her in my accordion case (yes, I played the accordion, but at age 8 I had Godzilla-like upper body strength);
She closed the garage door on me...I was trapped for over 3 hours;
I hung her teddy bear from the living room curtain;
She wrote my name in toothpaste all over the bathroom and laughed as my dad literally beat me unconscious (note: she claims she stopped laughing at that point and begged dad to call 911, but who knows the truth?...I certainly didn't wake up in the hospital);
I convinced her that she could jump off the roof with a hefty trash bag, which would certainly work like a parachute (in my defense, I really believed myself)

Anyway, you get the image. This went on for more than a decade. My parents were out of the picture as parents. My mother left for work at 6:00 a.m. and came home from law school at 11:00 at night. That's when the yelling and nagging would start. A handful of times she'd realize her neglect and take us somewhere as a "family", but that didn't start happening until after she became an attorney - years after. By that point I was annoyed that fake family time was cutting into my evening plans.

My dad was always drinking and had minimum wage type jobs where he worked weird hours. He'd leave for work somewhere between 2:00 - 5:00 in the afternoon and would show up drunk either in the middle of the night or the early morning.

The pattern changed for me in high school when I made a friend who changed my life. A friend who showed me the power of feminine allure...and after that, I didn't need a home. I crashed at her place or at fancy hotels. For my sister life got better too because I was the source of all evil to her at that time so my absence brought more stability to her life.

The problem was that in her mind I had become a whore.

Wait, hear me out on this one...

I really think she thought that I was out on the streets doing unspeakable things with nasty old men for cash. That wasn't it at all, but because she needed to be the opposite of me at all times, she reacted against this person she imagined by becoming practically puritanical. In college she rebuffed Warrick Dunn because he was a football player and you "know what they're after". (When she told me this, I practically got on a plane and flew down there; 10% to slap her and 90% to see whether Warrick had some free time after practice).

You're looking for a point... hang in there... I do have one...

So she has become someone so hung up about sex, that she is having trouble telling people that she is pregnant. She feels it is too private and personal. That's right... I love to talk about sex. I can turn almost any topic sexual. Meanwhile, my sister cannot talk about being pregnant because it would mean admitting that at age 29, she has had *gasp* s-e-x (shhhhhh!) with her husband.

So the two really sad things I get from our email exchange are that:

1) My sister has warped her personally so badly, that she has to hostilely accuse me of being hostile because she is not sure how to feel about her pregnancy. She knows she is supposed to be elated, but she's not, so d*mn it, it must be someone's fault.

2) I caused that with my callous treatment of her when we were kids. Not the crappy fights - she gave as good as she got... whether she wants to admit that now or play the victim. But, the fact that I transformed my life in a way that I did not share with her. She listened to my dad rail on and on that I was a dirty whore and she believed it. The problem is that my dad may have been right (in some people's view) when I was 15 or 16, but he started calling me that when I was 5. As a small child, it was easier (safer, less confusing) for her to see me the way my father saw me, than to see her precious daddy - whom she has always loved with all her heart - for the drunken child abuser that he was.

I am worried about her but what can I do? Please don't dredge up the fact that I have a master's degree in counseling... I can't help her. First of all, I don't believe in counseling as it is professionally practiced (at least how it is practiced here in the US). Secondly, she is projecting her feelings on to me. Ultimately, she will find her way out all on her own. She is not depressed - just hostile.

I was hostile for a while. I don't mean "I felt hostile" or "I was being hostile". I mean I personified hostile...and while I was, I could be nothing else. There wasn't any room. "Hostile" demands all the space in your mind so it drives all other things out. I had to take all the clutter "hostile" spread around my life and get rid of it piece by piece.

A lot I threw out, and some I packed away. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you have to throw everything away. Some things make you who you are and should never be thrown away.

...Two weeks ago, I saw my father for the first time in years.

What is honesty?

2005-07-20T21:11:00.000-04:00

So no one asked me to expound on honesty, but Bart wrote: "you're so dreadfully honest ann"

...but what is it to be honest. Is it to be truthful? Maybe that's part of it, but "truthful" lacks honesty's depth. You can tell the truth with facts (I went to work today, I can drive a car, ...), but facts are important but incomplete. You can really trick people with facts. Chose the right topic and you can feign intimacy (hey, I'm in my jammies right now)... and tone of voice is everything. I had a job where I told each person, the same factual thing day in and day out and somehow the people felt bonded with me.

Integrity, that's noble. Everyone says they are looking for people with integrity, but most of the time I think they are hoping to find people who will lie for them instead of to them.

I'm not trying to be funny, but truthfully, I don't see myself as an honest person... not that I am dishonest. For example, I wrote to Zanla off-blog. I said:

"I need to express my thoughts, but my problem, as you know, is that so many of my thoughts are pretty sexual. I am afraid to be totally open on the site because I am easily identifiable and I don't want to be hounded by freaks. I know I could have made myself more anonymous, but then I couldn't be authentic. "

He suggested that I create a second blog, but I have decided not to do that. It takes so much effort to do a good job with one blog. I also think I would lose interest in creating something that intense that no one is reading. It would be like masturbation, and frankly wouldn't make more sense to actually... ok, see what I mean?

So, am I dishonest because I am not brave/stupid enough to put every thought that pops into my head on the internet? If so, I'll accept that. I was just thinking today that if I applied for a job that required a security clearance, I'd have to delete all of this. I wouldn't have to... I could be "honest" and leave it up... I've committed no crime here, but I'd rather be "dishonest" and take it down, than "honest" and lose out on a really interesting job.

A big part of honesty for me is being honest with myself and to myself (like being true to myself). Sometimes that means being dishonest or at least illusive with others. This "total honesty" crap that is being peddled right now by relationship counselors, talk show hosts, relationship counselors that are talk show hosts, and their ilk is bullshit. Being honest with myself and to myself first is critical. Being as honest as I can with everyone else is important too, but it does not override the honesty I owe myself. This is how I separate what's me from what's someone else.

What do I want?

2005-07-18T20:06:00.000-04:00

Zanla cheated - he wrote his question to me on IM instead of responding to the blog... and he has a blog. Go figure! Anyway... he asked: What do you want? (the question most guys have for women)

I have to say that one downside I have discovered about blogging is that I have a tendency to try to condense my thoughts into a few pithy sentences. I think there is a great deal of value in being able to distill my thoughts in a way that makes them easier for me to express and digest, and makes them more accessible for an audience (Who will read page after page of personal musings? After writing all of that, will I even know what I've said?). However, snappy answers aren't really exploration - they are more like knee-jerk reactions.

Ok to the question... The short answer is that I want to make a real impact with my life. I am not saying that I want to "change the world" - I am not entirely sure the world needs changing. I want as many people as possible to feel that their lives were changed for the positive because of me. Not from a distance - I don't want to run a foundation and just write checks or I don't want to hold public office. I like to not just put names with faces, but lives and stories with faces.

It gives me a sense of purpose because it's a goal that will never be reached. It would be possible to do something that, in a single act, would change the world... and then what? It gives me a sense of urgency, because I don't know how much time I have. One of my co-workers lost her husband over the weekend (after about 3 months of struggling, he succumbed to heart disease). I don't have any health issues that I know about (which considering my past is a miracle that I take as a sign that I need to do something important with my life), but you never know...

I don't think this is what Zanla was getting at though. I was answering the big "What do you want from life?" question and that is not really what he asked, but there are so many ways to take that question...

What do I want from a minimalist perspective?
I want to not worry about having food to eat, safety or shelter. I want the same for the people I love. I want to feel each day like I moved forward in some way. That's all pretty generic. To feed my special neuroses... I want at least one man to lust after me each day, if only in his heart. I want my hair to stay frizz-free and I want to have found a way to keep my big mouth in check (these are the two most common points of failure for me on any given day).

What do I want in a man ?
Easy. Nothing that you don't already have naturally. There is no way to fake me out. I've been at this too long. Nothing is a bigger turn off for me than fake effort - although I am usually pretty flattered by it. Nothing is a bigger turn on for me than effort that was genuine...even if it ends up with disastrous results. What I usually get is something in between: genuine effort if sex is imminent; and on more than one occasion I have convinced myself that this was good enough. Guys, see that - nothing about penis size or orgasms (ladies: if you are wondering why you can't find a man who will give you a great orgasm, you are most likely blaming the wrong person). Ok, I'll admit it... I also love guys to give me things. Note I didn't say "buy" me things. I would totally melt to hear, "When I saw this pretty pink stone washed up on the shore in Dubrovnik I had to grab it for you because it was so pink and wet..." ok you see where I'm going... I want to be thought of... I'm getting off track here.

What do I want for my birthday - which is next week...
Don't know. The thought is the big deal, not the gift. I hate the idea of telling someone what I want for my birthday and then they run out and buy me that. Duh! So I have suffered through birthday after birthday because it is so rare that someone actually gets me a gift that really fits for me. I have gotten expensive gifts and been shocked by the expense, but rarely - and it has happened - have I gotten something that shows the giver knows me deeply. I sound like a total bitch here. People are dying all over the world and I hate what I get for my birthdays.

Well, I guess on a grander scale I am saying that what I want this year for my birthday, rather than someone getting me something, I want someone to get me.

Who am I? Part two

2005-07-16T17:05:00.000-04:00

After reading comments from two good friends (the only people in the world who I have told about this blog, btw), I had two more thoughts about identity in general and my identity in specific.

Identity in general: Allysther is my college roommate and my sister. I know lots of people who consider a friend a sister, but as with my biological sister, I am satisfied to know she exists in the world - sometimes thinking about me, but often not, always a part of me. There is so much that I don't know about the details of their lives, but there are things I know about them intuitively...

Ok, so my point here is that who I am contains parts of who other people are. I have lots of acquaintances, but there are not many people with whom I am authentic. When I do let someone close, that person really becomes a part of me - I care what he/she thinks and feels. Lots of people say they don't care what other people think... and maybe I care too much... actually I know I care too much... but I couldn't imagine how I would connect with other people if I really didn't care what they thought. And I couldn't imagine going through life so disconnected.

So question: How does the identity of others influence my identity?
In different ways... 99% of people pass in and out of my life without notice... the people in line with me at 7-11, the people in cars around me on the highway, sitting in a movie theatre with me (having one of those collective solo experiences that have become the hallmark of American culture).

.05% of people I can picture in my head - maybe I know a name, maybe I don't. People I see consistently, and even speak to, but know nothing about. The #33 6:20 a.m. bus driver, the copier dude, you get the idea. They help my day to day life function.

.03% of people I have the illusion of knowing well. Co-workers, relatives, that type. I know details about them (they drink decaf, they are married and have 2 kids, they drive a white Honda Accord) but I don't know them. I put almost all of the guys I have dated in this category. I'm not really being cold - there are only 3 guys that I dated in the traditional sense- all the others were really what people in the singles scene today would call "hook-ups". I have never really bought into the idea of going out with the same guy more than once or twice. There are so many out there, why limit yourself?

.01% of people I interact with and maybe just for a second, but they influence me in some way. An attractive guy I have never seen before eyes me as I walk from the parking garage and suddenly what I have on becomes my new favorite outfit. The kid at the grocery store who called me "ma'am" and made me sit in my car despairing at how my youth is over. The old bastard that practically ran me over with his luggage cart in the customs line at the airport - and then had the nerve to yell at me.

And then that .01% of people - maybe even fewer, that really get into my blood. And they change me and are a part of who I am.

Those people never leave your life. I found myself Goolging an ex. Not any ex, but my first ex. He was not my "first" (I was his), but he was the first person to ever earn the title "boyfriend". Today is his birthday. I didn't find him, so Bear, happy birthday where ever you are and who ever you have become.

Who am I?

2005-07-15T14:04:00.000-04:00

Ok, tough one right off the bat... shout out to Bart for being my first... and you never forget your first ;)

I'm excited to say the answer is still evolving.

I spent my teen years trying to "invent" myself. I wanted to be a call-girl and I created this whole persona... and I was happy (aside from the typical teenage angst - you know, 10,000 Maniacs, dark room, self-medication, blah, blah, blah), but I wanted more. I could see that the end of that road would come quickly.

So, I went to college and became a different kind of "professional". I have built a nice career...still in the building phase, really... and walked the straight and narrow for well past a decade...but I wasn't happy. I was sinking and I didn't even realize it was happening. I gained weight; one by one I gave up my outside interests; stopped buying new clothes. My life had become no bigger than the boundaries of my cubicle.

One day I just snapped. I quit my job and just drifted for a couple months. In my opinion, everyone should do that at some point - what an eye opener!

I sent out scores of resumes and went to career fairs, but my next job actually found me. .. and I am in love with what I do. I spend 2/3rds of the year at my home in the US and 1/3rd in Eastern Europe.

The whole point of this preamble is to say that for the first time in my life, my job or role does not define me. I am beginning to define me. I really don't know myself. I struggled to fill out my profile. I am learning things about myself now. I never knew I was interested in and good at learning foreign languages. And that I, the girl who ditched math class, have a knack for accounting.

On a more fundamental level, I didn't know that I could still be attractive - in a different way... much different... than what I thought "being sexy" meant when I was young. I wasn't aware, until just over a year ago, how urgently important being attractive is to me. I mean that more in an Evita Peron way than a "Desperate Housewives" way.

So, who am I...? I'm trying to find out, and finally I am doing what it takes to really know. I am standing on my own two feet, insisting on respecting myself and others - and expecting the same in return.

Why blog?

2005-07-15T02:36:00.000-04:00

I could say that I finally gave in to my good friend who started his own blog months ago. He brought the subject up once again today so I burned up 3 hours and got started.

I could say that I was inspired by the "PostSecret" blog project...and I am inspired. I want to send my own postcard in so badly, but I will probably never be brave enough. Maybe it would be cathartic to put my biggest secret out there, but there is something sad about the fact that I do not have a real person in my life that I can share it with so I have to put it out there for thousands of total strangers. Not just total strangers - I have friends that I know read it. So they would be reading - and judging - and wouldn't know it was me, but I'd know. Too weird...think I'll save it.

So then why? Don't know for sure...
Possibility 1: Look at me! Look at me!
Possibility 2: My insatiable need to be liked... several people have asked if I blog so maybe I am doing this to be "in"
Possibility 3: I wanted to be able to pour my heart out in a public place and therefore feel like I have put the truth "out there" - figuring no one will actually read it so I could really be intimate - but secretly hoping that someone is reading it.

Pathetic, but whatever the truth is, it's probably closest to #3.

Why did I call it "Ask me something deep"?
Truthfully, because a lot of other ideas I thought up were already taken. But seriously, since I was 12 I have found writing down my thoughts and rereading them, even just a few hours later, helps me gain perspective. So ask me something deep...

Hint: "Deep" does not mean "random".

2005-07-14T22:24:00.000-04:00

One of the perks of working for the Philadelphia Eagles last season...

2005-07-14T22:16:00.000-04:00

Look who I ran into in the Sarajevo airport. Actually, he came over to talk to me. Turns out he noticed *me* when I got on the flight in Vienna. (It's Coolio for those who don't know...)

2005-07-14T22:10:00.000-04:00

This is me in Mostar, Bosnia and Herzegovina just a month after the bridge behind me was dedicated. It was destroyed in 1993 during the war.

This is a picture I took of myself one night when I got bored in Sarajevo.