What do I want?

Zanla cheated - he wrote his question to me on IM instead of responding to the blog... and he has a blog. Go figure! Anyway... he asked: What do you want? (the question most guys have for women)

I have to say that one downside I have discovered about blogging is that I have a tendency to try to condense my thoughts into a few pithy sentences. I think there is a great deal of value in being able to distill my thoughts in a way that makes them easier for me to express and digest, and makes them more accessible for an audience (Who will read page after page of personal musings? After writing all of that, will I even know what I've said?). However, snappy answers aren't really exploration - they are more like knee-jerk reactions.

Ok to the question... The short answer is that I want to make a real impact with my life. I am not saying that I want to "change the world" - I am not entirely sure the world needs changing. I want as many people as possible to feel that their lives were changed for the positive because of me. Not from a distance - I don't want to run a foundation and just write checks or I don't want to hold public office. I like to not just put names with faces, but lives and stories with faces.

It gives me a sense of purpose because it's a goal that will never be reached. It would be possible to do something that, in a single act, would change the world... and then what? It gives me a sense of urgency, because I don't know how much time I have. One of my co-workers lost her husband over the weekend (after about 3 months of struggling, he succumbed to heart disease). I don't have any health issues that I know about (which considering my past is a miracle that I take as a sign that I need to do something important with my life), but you never know...

I don't think this is what Zanla was getting at though. I was answering the big "What do you want from life?" question and that is not really what he asked, but there are so many ways to take that question...

What do I want from a minimalist perspective?
I want to not worry about having food to eat, safety or shelter. I want the same for the people I love. I want to feel each day like I moved forward in some way. That's all pretty generic. To feed my special neuroses... I want at least one man to lust after me each day, if only in his heart. I want my hair to stay frizz-free and I want to have found a way to keep my big mouth in check (these are the two most common points of failure for me on any given day).

What do I want in a man ?
Easy. Nothing that you don't already have naturally. There is no way to fake me out. I've been at this too long. Nothing is a bigger turn off for me than fake effort - although I am usually pretty flattered by it. Nothing is a bigger turn on for me than effort that was genuine...even if it ends up with disastrous results. What I usually get is something in between: genuine effort if sex is imminent; and on more than one occasion I have convinced myself that this was good enough. Guys, see that - nothing about penis size or orgasms (ladies: if you are wondering why you can't find a man who will give you a great orgasm, you are most likely blaming the wrong person). Ok, I'll admit it... I also love guys to give me things. Note I didn't say "buy" me things. I would totally melt to hear, "When I saw this pretty pink stone washed up on the shore in Dubrovnik I had to grab it for you because it was so pink and wet..." ok you see where I'm going... I want to be thought of... I'm getting off track here.

What do I want for my birthday - which is next week...
Don't know. The thought is the big deal, not the gift. I hate the idea of telling someone what I want for my birthday and then they run out and buy me that. Duh! So I have suffered through birthday after birthday because it is so rare that someone actually gets me a gift that really fits for me. I have gotten expensive gifts and been shocked by the expense, but rarely - and it has happened - have I gotten something that shows the giver knows me deeply. I sound like a total bitch here. People are dying all over the world and I hate what I get for my birthdays.

Well, I guess on a grander scale I am saying that what I want this year for my birthday, rather than someone getting me something, I want someone to get me.