Did you think of me?

Last night...
...did you think of me when you walked in the familiar warm rain?
I thought of you as I gripped the same umbrella I had that night, one year ago exactly.

I had coffee with a dear friend in a dim cafe next to the cathedral.
I found it impossible to turn my eyes away from the church.
Ten thousand drops of rain streamed down her face and pooled at her feet

and I thought of the year, and the tears...my tears, easily ten thousand...

and then the bells chimed the hour.
And I was brought back to that night, so magic, still there, every second in my mind.

Then silence...
...and it was gone...like magic.

And that's the thing about magic, all an illusion; the thrill is in believing it's real.
For a moment, suspend what you know to be true and just be amazed, but just for a moment.
Then, you must accept reality...the magician is but an ordinary man.
Otherwise you are a complete fool,
going through life believing in magical powers of David Copperfield...

... or { name }

How am I doing?

In January I wrote:

I am going to see Istanbul, Prague, and Budapest...
I will get 5 new countries on my country map...
I will do at least one thing I thought I couldn't and one thing no one but me knew I could...
I will see my name in the news (hopefully for good, but there is no such thing as bad publicity)...
I am going to work hard at something that is just for me...
I am going to fight my natural tendancy toward depression with everything I've got...
I will find ways to be happy even when it doesn't make sense...
I am giving myself permission to fall in love with a new person, a new place and a new thing...
I will not let fear be in charge of my life...
I am going to look up this post in December and see how I did.

So I am at the half-way point now. I have not been nor do I have plans to go to Prague, Istanbul or Budapest, but for some reason those citys have lost som lustre to me. I just want to make sure I capitolize on my year abroad. The 5 new places is the nost important. So far I have only gone to Skopje, Macedonia - which was an incredible experience. I have a lot of ground to cover soon.

I said I would do one thing I thought I couldn't and I also said I would fight my depression. I have been vertually depression free since I came to Sarajevo and I really didn't think I would be able to keep the blues away this long. It feels like one of the most major accomplishments of my life. I have been on top of my fears too, which I think are a key component of my former depressed state.

I also talked about giving myself permission to love someone new - and I have - and some place - too many to name from restaurants to cities - and something new I am still looking for, but I have gotten back into listening to music again thanks to my iPod. I got it as a gift. I didn't want it because I had stopped listening to music shortly after college, but I guess I just needed a cool gadet.

I said I would see my name in the news...well...kinda... I have been on the news several times here, but I do not think that my name was used, I was just on the news.

I said I would find ways to be happy even when it doesn't make sense and that I would work on something that is just for me. I see now that staying above my depression is something that I am doing that is "just for me" even though it benefits plenty of people. Finding ways to be happy doesn't mean ignoring problems - I thought that people who seemed to be always happy were just dillusional and that I was a "realist". Well, I am still a realist that can see that my constant worries, fears, and bouts of depression were just holding me back.

I am now focused on what I am happy to have now and what I am working to get for myself in the future. I actively push thoughts about things I've lost and/or that I cannot possibly get out of my mind. It's not that I ignore these issues, just that I work around them rather then putting them up as roadbloack. There is a saying that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Obsessing about things that are gone or will never be nearly drove me crazy. I feel so fortunate to have realized all of this before it was too late.

What happened to me?

Basically, I got paranoid.

I started becoming scared that people would use what I have written here against me or my friends or that my family would find it and not understand (see recent posts). Right after that, there was one incident where something I wrote f*cked a former friend...that didn't bother me, but it was a warning.

Then I wrote the little note about not writing... That must have made it active in the "Next Blog" queue or something because within 24 hours, some unknown person who knows me and "C" (guy from the previous entry; I suspect it's "KB") forwarded this blog to C's sister who called him in a flaming panic.

If I haven't said this enough, I will say it again: I cannot stand American women.

If I am with a guy and I see him looking at another woman (usually I pointed her out in the first place), I think, "good things are as they should be"...unless I think the woman isn't all that and I ask a few curious questions like, "Are those breasts really big enough to compensate for that face?" or "Dude, did you catch her in profile?". If she is really hot, sometimes I will go over and chat her up, to see what's what.

American women see their man looking at someone else and the internal dialog starts, "I hate being so fat/tall/flat/ugly (which they are not, of course). Why does he have to throw it in my face by looking at her? I do so much for him. He's not all the special anyway; I don't have to take this. I bet he wants to f*ck her. (that part is probably true)" blah...blah...blah...

Back to the story...

So when I say "interest" that means sex to them...when I say acting on an interest, that also can only mean sex. I have know C's sister for years. She knows what I look like, she knows I am a flirt, and she knows I like to have fun. It has never been a problem...then she reads a blog entry on the internet and decides it's time to threaten to contact C's WIFE!

Wow! That's f*cked up. But I guess she was off the deep end and wanted someone else to join her.

So here is the thing about my blog - I already have a "family blog" where I post photos and write lightweight drivel that is safe for public consumption. I don't need two of those. If I cannot write about things that I am really thinking, I will just keep that all to myself. I absolutely do NOT want other people to have their lives ruined because of what I write about them (it's sad to know that is even possible). A friend suggested that I could change around all of my information - like become Jill in Romania who likes backpacking and sewing.

Why would I do that?

Anyway, it's good to know that I was missed. I don't know if I will keep posting...depends on how much trouble I get in for this post ;)

For the record, C and I had the time of our lives. Lots of hours at the office, but we went out and saw everything. He is now the only friend I have that knows what life is like for me here - "work hard, play hard". I introduced him around and took him to all of my favorite places. He convinced me to buy a home theatre system (and then threw me under the bus on that one...we'll have to talk about that).

I can honestly say that I do not wish his visit would have been any different than it was.

The only thing I wish was different is that I wish men and women didn't have to walk on eggshells around each other. In our society, it seems women believe that to keep their man, they have only two options: create an enviroment of constant fear and suspicion or give in to the man's every whim and wish and try to make yourself into his vision of the perfect women. No mater which option a woman choses, a critical piece is keeping the level of drama as high as humanly possible. We women refer to these strategies as "working and making sacrifices" for our relationships.

The thing that baffles me the most is why do men put up with this?

Has it really been almost a month?

Things are totally crazy in my life right now, but I am having a total block about what to write about. I wanted to say something just so people know that this site is not abandoned, but I am out of kosher topics.

Send me a question or you will have to just wait until I think something up on my own... and it could be awhile... not that anyone cares...

"Does it have to be *every* man?"

I have come to the unpleasant discovery that I believe once again, I am suffering for some form of mental illness. I was reviewing some of my escapades with a friend via IM, when this revelation was thrown right in my face.

I have this incredible need for men to want me...

Him: I just want to get where you're coming from....
Me: I know...that's why I want to tell you
Him: Well, I certainly understand the need to feel wanted.
Me: I just need it in a weird way
Him: I just don't know why it needs to be EVERY man you meet ... And seriously.... I'm not bustin on ya... I promise...
Me: I know...and it does need to be EVERY...I am totally freaked out by men that are indifferent to me
Him: Is this all related to "Daddy didn't want me" kind of stuff? And if it is, and you've recognized as such, do you *not* want to get past it.
Me: I doubt it...I cannot blame the distant past on current behavior that I could easily control

***feeble attempt by me to change subject***

Him: Well, this men wanting you thing... It's strange to me because it's so incongruent (at some levels) to who you are as a person. you seem so very strong.
Him: but then you have this deep need.
Me: Everyone has an Achilles Heel I guess
Him: It's definitely unusual ... I hope you don't feel like I'm judging you
Me: No, but I think there is a novel in this somewhere

*** Two days later ***

Him: I realized something the other day, actually. I've always said that I like to travel. Well, the truth is, I like to *be in other places*. The actual travel part- I don't really usually enjoy
Him: though I have met some interesting ppl from time to time
Me: I feel the same
Me: At the airport I am looking at the other passengers and feeling like I am on some weird version of the dating game
Him: Geez. This attitude of yours towards people would stress me out to no end.

At this point, I am aware of it and really I think I have always been like this (help me out here Q - I was like this in college too, right). It's just now, I find myself obsessively fixated on it. It really doesn't matter to me why I have this problem, and I don't feel particularly committed to fixing it - except that I am afraid it will affect my work, but certainly I admit that it is weird.

My friend worried about my stress, but I am more focused on his because he is married and he is coming to Sarajevo on business and is worried about dealing with a full-court press from me.

Don't worry, C...I just enjoy knowing that the interest is there. I do not let anyone actually act on it. You can leave your rosary or whatever at home.

Oooo wait! Bring it! Sorry, just kidding...that was wrong...

I think I need to grow up...

Last night, I agreed to accompany an aquaintence to pick up a new transfer at the airport (these are Army people). It seemed like a boring prospect, but I was hoping to get to shop at the PX on the base.

Cutting to the chase, I ended up at Karaoke, beating a marine at darts, heading off-base to a club, downing half a liter of black berry vodka stright out of the bottle, dancing for hours, being accepted by the local "working girls", lost my passport (which I found), getting home at 11 a.m. the next day (today). The lack of mention of eating is not an oversight - I didn't even eat lunch yesterday. I didn't get to the PX but I stole a box of Apple Jacks from an Air Force photographer, so all in all, a success.

I woke up this evening after 5 hours of sleep and I feel like I have been beaten with a baseball bat. I am not hung over, I am in physical pain. I cannot lift my arms at all. The dancing is what got me. I had a ton of work to do today and I cannot even make myself start it.

Honestly, I thought I had moved past being capable of this kind of behavior. I think this was a reaction to an unhappy anniversary for me. I was trying to crowd the thoughts out of my head, which of course didn't really work.

Just got a call from the star player of the Bosnian national team wanting me to come over to watch basketball...so I'm heading out. Maybe if I make this weekend a little more painful, I will actually learn from it...

The internet and relationships: how does this work?

So I have Skype for work...really I need it for work. However, if I am on, I am "skyped" by 12 - 20 men per hour asking for me to add them to my contacts list.

At first I was so naive, "Hey this guy in Turkey wants to be my friend, ok I'll add him", yadda, yadda, 50 contacts and one marriage proposal (no lie) from a Sudanese dude in Bahrain and I have had enough. If you are a single woman, get on Skype and claim to be living in a Muslim country. That ought to solve all your problems. Seriously...these guys were relentless...even after telling them I am an American Jew, they still were hot for me.

I didn't even post my picture or my last name (Bill do not comment...that picture you saw of me is really bad. I didn't want to pitch a fit at the time because I didn't want you to think I see myself as some kind of princess...what with having the Jewish and American parts locked down).

For those of you who don't know, apparently the only picture of me on the internet is really stupid looking. Zanla knows I live in fear of other "better" pictures of me ending up on the internet so I am kind of in a Catch-22.

Anyway, I feel like the internet has turned the whole relationship thing on it's ear. Can I be friends with someone I have never meet IRL? If I have sexy IM chats with someone I know IRL, is that an "emotional affair"**(see below)? Is there a so such thing as a random man "skyping" you because he wants to make friends or learn English? I just really don't know. Ok, after some personal research, the answer is "no" on the third thing...unless they are learning English from Penthouse.

On top of all of this, there is the identity issue. I try to be careful about my identity, but I am not really that careful. I think part of the reason right now is because I am not worried about someone coming to find me in Sarajevo because of my blog (although I have very strong feelings about Milosevic which I will not dignify this man by posting them). However, I really should take better care. But there is this part of me that just wants to believe that the vast majority of people in the world...like 99.999%...are good people and would never attempt to harm me. That's very Pollyanna I know, but I really do think it is the case.

Of course, then the problem is that 99.999% still leaves 500,000 depraved, murderous, criminally insane individuals out there and from what I have seen on other websites, I am fairly sure that at least 499,999 of them spend lots of time on the internet.

That said, there are some weird double standards. If you are a guy, you can post your picture and your full name, and chances are, you will be fine as long as you are not too political - people hate that and will slam you. If you are a woman, just revealing the fact that you are a woman, is like putting up a big sign that says, "I enjoy sexual harassment". If a guy at my office says, "nice blouse", I can sue, but the same guy could email me a poem about his penis without any fear of reprisal (unless he sends it from his work address - duh). Don't you think that's weird? And I would probably just delete it and never mention it...or if it was good, I'd send it to all the women in the office as a forward - except I do not really send forwards, but you get my point.

Ok...enough food for thought...






** In general, I believe that "emotional affairs" exist, but for the most part, I think this is just a strategy to give spouses some terminology that will assist them in banning all opposite-sex friendships.