How am I doing?
In January I wrote:
I am going to see Istanbul, Prague, and Budapest...
I will get 5 new countries on my country map...
I will do at least one thing I thought I couldn't and one thing no one but me knew I could...
I will see my name in the news (hopefully for good, but there is no such thing as bad publicity)...
I am going to work hard at something that is just for me...
I am going to fight my natural tendancy toward depression with everything I've got...
I will find ways to be happy even when it doesn't make sense...
I am giving myself permission to fall in love with a new person, a new place and a new thing...
I will not let fear be in charge of my life...
I am going to look up this post in December and see how I did.
So I am at the half-way point now. I have not been nor do I have plans to go to Prague, Istanbul or Budapest, but for some reason those citys have lost som lustre to me. I just want to make sure I capitolize on my year abroad. The 5 new places is the nost important. So far I have only gone to Skopje, Macedonia - which was an incredible experience. I have a lot of ground to cover soon.
I said I would do one thing I thought I couldn't and I also said I would fight my depression. I have been vertually depression free since I came to Sarajevo and I really didn't think I would be able to keep the blues away this long. It feels like one of the most major accomplishments of my life. I have been on top of my fears too, which I think are a key component of my former depressed state.
I also talked about giving myself permission to love someone new - and I have - and some place - too many to name from restaurants to cities - and something new I am still looking for, but I have gotten back into listening to music again thanks to my iPod. I got it as a gift. I didn't want it because I had stopped listening to music shortly after college, but I guess I just needed a cool gadet.
I said I would see my name in the news...well...kinda... I have been on the news several times here, but I do not think that my name was used, I was just on the news.
I said I would find ways to be happy even when it doesn't make sense and that I would work on something that is just for me. I see now that staying above my depression is something that I am doing that is "just for me" even though it benefits plenty of people. Finding ways to be happy doesn't mean ignoring problems - I thought that people who seemed to be always happy were just dillusional and that I was a "realist". Well, I am still a realist that can see that my constant worries, fears, and bouts of depression were just holding me back.
I am now focused on what I am happy to have now and what I am working to get for myself in the future. I actively push thoughts about things I've lost and/or that I cannot possibly get out of my mind. It's not that I ignore these issues, just that I work around them rather then putting them up as roadbloack. There is a saying that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Obsessing about things that are gone or will never be nearly drove me crazy. I feel so fortunate to have realized all of this before it was too late.
posted by Ann @ 6:46 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
I am glad that you gave yourself permission to love someone new. You may or may not know who I am. But, I have probably benefited most from your time here. I have absolutely and unquestionably fell in love with you. I understand from your blog that you have had problems with depression in the past? So have I. Was having to fight off this depression last time I was home. Like you, I do not suffer from depression while I am here. I think that is mostly because of you. You brighten each and every day for me. I am so afraid that when I go home that I will not ever see you again and that I will slip into an unrecoverable depression.
Just knowing you has changed my life incredibly. I do not know what I will do without you. I live each day longing for the next glimpse of your beauty. I wish that our lives were different and that we could be together forever.
I would give up everything to be with you. You are such a wonderful person.
I cannot believe that both of us are going to give up the happiness that we have found here to go back to our lives of depression.
He totallys tole my comment :(
i'm glad you've progressed so well... if anything, insanity is trying desperately to believe in something you don't really believe in, letting the cycle of action, interaction and reaction take it's course over and over again...
despite all your (implied) misgivings, you're a wonderful person, standing stronger than many of us are able to do...
if anything, the one thing you should fear most is fear itself, the irrational perception of not being able to stand one's own ground in the face of change and adversity... all things change, nothing ever remains the same and we change too... you're not the same person you were yesterday because you've learned new things and grown emotionally in small but important ways...
hope this helps, hope you're OK in the meantime... keep well ;-)
Do try to go to Istanbul - it's a wonderful place, a true case of east meets west. The food is divine, the market a treasure trove and the people friendly and warm. And they say Prague is full of magic but to be careful.
You sound like you have come a long way and you're doing great. Clambering from depression is about being kind and gentle with yourself and taking baby steps.
And yes, you're right, fear is a major factor in depression.
I think you're well on the way to winning forever.
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