"Does it have to be *every* man?"
I have come to the unpleasant discovery that I believe once again, I am suffering for some form of mental illness. I was reviewing some of my escapades with a friend via IM, when this revelation was thrown right in my face.
I have this incredible need for men to want me...
Him: I just want to get where you're coming from....
Me: I know...that's why I want to tell you
Him: Well, I certainly understand the need to feel wanted.
Me: I just need it in a weird way
Him: I just don't know why it needs to be EVERY man you meet ... And seriously.... I'm not bustin on ya... I promise...
Me: I know...and it does need to be EVERY...I am totally freaked out by men that are indifferent to me
Him: Is this all related to "Daddy didn't want me" kind of stuff? And if it is, and you've recognized as such, do you *not* want to get past it.
Me: I doubt it...I cannot blame the distant past on current behavior that I could easily control
***feeble attempt by me to change subject***
Him: Well, this men wanting you thing... It's strange to me because it's so incongruent (at some levels) to who you are as a person. you seem so very strong.
Him: but then you have this deep need.
Me: Everyone has an Achilles Heel I guess
Him: It's definitely unusual ... I hope you don't feel like I'm judging you
Me: No, but I think there is a novel in this somewhere
*** Two days later ***
Him: I realized something the other day, actually. I've always said that I like to travel. Well, the truth is, I like to *be in other places*. The actual travel part- I don't really usually enjoy
Him: though I have met some interesting ppl from time to time
Me: I feel the same
Me: At the airport I am looking at the other passengers and feeling like I am on some weird version of the dating game
Him: Geez. This attitude of yours towards people would stress me out to no end.
At this point, I am aware of it and really I think I have always been like this (help me out here Q - I was like this in college too, right). It's just now, I find myself obsessively fixated on it. It really doesn't matter to me why I have this problem, and I don't feel particularly committed to fixing it - except that I am afraid it will affect my work, but certainly I admit that it is weird.
My friend worried about my stress, but I am more focused on his because he is married and he is coming to Sarajevo on business and is worried about dealing with a full-court press from me.
Don't worry, C...I just enjoy knowing that the interest is there. I do not let anyone actually act on it. You can leave your rosary or whatever at home.
Oooo wait! Bring it! Sorry, just kidding...that was wrong...
posted by Ann @ 3:14 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
That's weird. Usually, I just assume every woman wants me and work back from there. I am occasionally disappointed, but it works out most of the time....
I'm not in the same boat as Mister Underhill. For me I often pretend to be very indifferent to a woman because on some level I hate that I do feel that being attracted to a women puts me in an uncomfortable position. Seeing someting that you really want puts me in a position of feeling inferior or doing without, neither of which I like. Also, another motive for me around really attractive women is that I don't want to be yet another guy who thinks they're hot, I'd rather give them space to be seen as a human being rather than being seen only for their hotness.
jrd
You have, indeed, been like this for all of the time that I ae known you. I would say that in college it actually extended to needing to be wanted by everyone around you. You were very popular, and worked hard to keep it that way. Not a bad thing.
The difference between now and then, though, is that our group of friends was so insular that you never needed to look far for attention. You had a group of guys who were devoted to your happiness, and wherever you went you could find at least one of them. The fact that they had eyes only for their work or for you was the best situation you could have had.
Now, the compitition for attention has extended to include family, work, travel, and a million other things. It is much harder to get a grown man's attention, divided as it is. You actually have to put some effort into being noticed, which allows you to obsess on the entire situation.
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