I'm 33 for a moment...

This weekend I have been thinking a lot about my future. At 33, I have used up 1/3 of my time on the earth - in all likelihood it's closer to 1/2 (I don't think I want to live to be 100).

I feel very insecure that I have no idea where I will be in 5 years, but even more frightening, I don't know where I *want* to be in 5 years. I started thinking about the path that has put me here now (in Sarajevo watching a Beyonce video on Italian television).

When I was 3, I couldn't fathom being an adult; adults frightened the hell out of me - yes I remember that.

When I was 8, I wanted to go to the Olympics for gymnastics, swimming, or diving, and after that, become a paleontologist.

When I was 13, I wanted to be Mrs. Prince (not the singer; this was a kid in my school's actual last name); he rejected me totally. I remember telling my friends I was too ugly to ever get married.

When I was 18, I wanted to be a professional call-girl (think working with Heidi Fleiss, not the street corner)...my goals with this career were not too specific, but one thing was for sure - I was to sexy to ever get married; I didn't think I'd live to be 25. I'm not sure how I got convinced to go to college.

When I was 23, I was going to be a top bank executive and for once my life was on track with my goals (ok it was at 18 too until I went for the college nonsense). I was younger than anyone else at my level, so I acquired everything that they did so they could see how mature I was - got a purebred dog, a new car, new house, oh and a husband...

When I was 28, I was already realizing that my goal of being the top in my field of academic advisement was a lame goal - I was practically there (only lacked the notoriety). I had just had my second child and I felt totally trapped. I wanted more, not sure what, but I was in a tight box with no where to go. Secretly I was intensely suicidal - I had just survived a life threatening illness...and was disappointed that I didn't just die.

So here I am at 33. Yes I have problems, and there are things that make my heart ache, but I am so alive and so happy. I just don't know what I want or where I am going...and so what. In the past when I have "known", I really had no idea. I cannot recall a time in my life when I didn't want to just end it all - it has been more prevalent at times, but almost always out there in the background.

Now it's just gone. It's like I have been living in a dark room all my life and now I have pulled down all of the heavy drapes, flung open the doors and stepped out on to the balcony into the fresh morning air to see that the sun is just coming up. There is so much I can do and I want to keep my life big. I see how I let fear and disappointment (and fear of disappointment) control me.

...and all the while I just needed to get out there...that's the irony of it all.