"Does it have to be *every* man?"

I have come to the unpleasant discovery that I believe once again, I am suffering for some form of mental illness. I was reviewing some of my escapades with a friend via IM, when this revelation was thrown right in my face.

I have this incredible need for men to want me...

Him: I just want to get where you're coming from....
Me: I know...that's why I want to tell you
Him: Well, I certainly understand the need to feel wanted.
Me: I just need it in a weird way
Him: I just don't know why it needs to be EVERY man you meet ... And seriously.... I'm not bustin on ya... I promise...
Me: I know...and it does need to be EVERY...I am totally freaked out by men that are indifferent to me
Him: Is this all related to "Daddy didn't want me" kind of stuff? And if it is, and you've recognized as such, do you *not* want to get past it.
Me: I doubt it...I cannot blame the distant past on current behavior that I could easily control

***feeble attempt by me to change subject***

Him: Well, this men wanting you thing... It's strange to me because it's so incongruent (at some levels) to who you are as a person. you seem so very strong.
Him: but then you have this deep need.
Me: Everyone has an Achilles Heel I guess
Him: It's definitely unusual ... I hope you don't feel like I'm judging you
Me: No, but I think there is a novel in this somewhere

*** Two days later ***

Him: I realized something the other day, actually. I've always said that I like to travel. Well, the truth is, I like to *be in other places*. The actual travel part- I don't really usually enjoy
Him: though I have met some interesting ppl from time to time
Me: I feel the same
Me: At the airport I am looking at the other passengers and feeling like I am on some weird version of the dating game
Him: Geez. This attitude of yours towards people would stress me out to no end.

At this point, I am aware of it and really I think I have always been like this (help me out here Q - I was like this in college too, right). It's just now, I find myself obsessively fixated on it. It really doesn't matter to me why I have this problem, and I don't feel particularly committed to fixing it - except that I am afraid it will affect my work, but certainly I admit that it is weird.

My friend worried about my stress, but I am more focused on his because he is married and he is coming to Sarajevo on business and is worried about dealing with a full-court press from me.

Don't worry, C...I just enjoy knowing that the interest is there. I do not let anyone actually act on it. You can leave your rosary or whatever at home.

Oooo wait! Bring it! Sorry, just kidding...that was wrong...

I think I need to grow up...

Last night, I agreed to accompany an aquaintence to pick up a new transfer at the airport (these are Army people). It seemed like a boring prospect, but I was hoping to get to shop at the PX on the base.

Cutting to the chase, I ended up at Karaoke, beating a marine at darts, heading off-base to a club, downing half a liter of black berry vodka stright out of the bottle, dancing for hours, being accepted by the local "working girls", lost my passport (which I found), getting home at 11 a.m. the next day (today). The lack of mention of eating is not an oversight - I didn't even eat lunch yesterday. I didn't get to the PX but I stole a box of Apple Jacks from an Air Force photographer, so all in all, a success.

I woke up this evening after 5 hours of sleep and I feel like I have been beaten with a baseball bat. I am not hung over, I am in physical pain. I cannot lift my arms at all. The dancing is what got me. I had a ton of work to do today and I cannot even make myself start it.

Honestly, I thought I had moved past being capable of this kind of behavior. I think this was a reaction to an unhappy anniversary for me. I was trying to crowd the thoughts out of my head, which of course didn't really work.

Just got a call from the star player of the Bosnian national team wanting me to come over to watch basketball...so I'm heading out. Maybe if I make this weekend a little more painful, I will actually learn from it...

The internet and relationships: how does this work?

So I have Skype for work...really I need it for work. However, if I am on, I am "skyped" by 12 - 20 men per hour asking for me to add them to my contacts list.

At first I was so naive, "Hey this guy in Turkey wants to be my friend, ok I'll add him", yadda, yadda, 50 contacts and one marriage proposal (no lie) from a Sudanese dude in Bahrain and I have had enough. If you are a single woman, get on Skype and claim to be living in a Muslim country. That ought to solve all your problems. Seriously...these guys were relentless...even after telling them I am an American Jew, they still were hot for me.

I didn't even post my picture or my last name (Bill do not comment...that picture you saw of me is really bad. I didn't want to pitch a fit at the time because I didn't want you to think I see myself as some kind of princess...what with having the Jewish and American parts locked down).

For those of you who don't know, apparently the only picture of me on the internet is really stupid looking. Zanla knows I live in fear of other "better" pictures of me ending up on the internet so I am kind of in a Catch-22.

Anyway, I feel like the internet has turned the whole relationship thing on it's ear. Can I be friends with someone I have never meet IRL? If I have sexy IM chats with someone I know IRL, is that an "emotional affair"**(see below)? Is there a so such thing as a random man "skyping" you because he wants to make friends or learn English? I just really don't know. Ok, after some personal research, the answer is "no" on the third thing...unless they are learning English from Penthouse.

On top of all of this, there is the identity issue. I try to be careful about my identity, but I am not really that careful. I think part of the reason right now is because I am not worried about someone coming to find me in Sarajevo because of my blog (although I have very strong feelings about Milosevic which I will not dignify this man by posting them). However, I really should take better care. But there is this part of me that just wants to believe that the vast majority of people in the world...like 99.999%...are good people and would never attempt to harm me. That's very Pollyanna I know, but I really do think it is the case.

Of course, then the problem is that 99.999% still leaves 500,000 depraved, murderous, criminally insane individuals out there and from what I have seen on other websites, I am fairly sure that at least 499,999 of them spend lots of time on the internet.

That said, there are some weird double standards. If you are a guy, you can post your picture and your full name, and chances are, you will be fine as long as you are not too political - people hate that and will slam you. If you are a woman, just revealing the fact that you are a woman, is like putting up a big sign that says, "I enjoy sexual harassment". If a guy at my office says, "nice blouse", I can sue, but the same guy could email me a poem about his penis without any fear of reprisal (unless he sends it from his work address - duh). Don't you think that's weird? And I would probably just delete it and never mention it...or if it was good, I'd send it to all the women in the office as a forward - except I do not really send forwards, but you get my point.

Ok...enough food for thought...






** In general, I believe that "emotional affairs" exist, but for the most part, I think this is just a strategy to give spouses some terminology that will assist them in banning all opposite-sex friendships.

What is this?

Does anyone know what this stuff is?

It has been in my apartment since I got here. I am out of the liquor I bought when I first got here and had spending money. Now I am totally broke until the 15th. I had to borrow 3KM (~$1.25)to take a taxi home (long story) today.

So here is the dilemma:

A) I'd really like a drink now and then, and now looks good, so I want to open the bottle...if it's tasty stuff

B) I am really broke and the bottle is cool enough that it could make a good re-gift...if the stuff is crap (since I am a foreigner here I could play it off like I didn't know)

My college roommate and her husband claim to have had it, but they were not helpful: one voted for good, the other that it's crap.

If you have had this, or know what liquors it is similar to, please speak up!

Why am I afraid of the "wrong" people reading my blog?

Zanla wrote:
"1) Why are you afraid that your mother will find out what you think; and 2) What scares you the most about your mother finding your blog?"

It's not just about my mother...

The truth is, I am able to be more honest to complete strangers than I am to most of my friends and relatives. I think this is true for most people.

I have a persona that = "daughter" and a different one for "co-worker" and another for "sister" and most of those have nothing to do with the person you would imagine me to be from reading this blog.

I don't think this is anything special about me, it's just how life is.

What is special about me is that difference in personas is really great and it would be hard for people who know me in one capacity to believe that I wrote this stuff. And I don't want to have them believe it. I keep these parts of my life separate for darn good reasons.

So everyone, let's just keep this under wraps...ok? Thanks.