Who would believe this?

"It's very ... very ... important that we talk. Preferably someplace in private". -H

Read my August 17th post or this summary first:
August 5, male "friend" confesses love for me, I tell him that it's not mutual. He acts like it's cool because I am "damaged goods" anyway. Then he calls me up on August 17 to talk and the point of the talk is to say "goodbye". After attempting to get me drunk, he attempts to rape me. So good riddance. I gave away the most valuable thing he ever gave me - a Nintendo Game Cube that he played more than anyone else, and never heard from him again...

...until today when he sends me that message. So I'm curious, but I am too smart to fall for that...um...Obviously you don't know me if you believe that!

I agree to meet him in a public place. I drove myself there and refused to drink anything other than water, which I watched like a hawk (I may have failed to mention that I went to a strip club with this guy where "somehow" my drink was drugged - to my knowledge, nothing happened).

What did he want?

After saying he was sorry, he asked me to apologize for enticing him. I refused. He tried again to get me to admit my attraction for him. I told him that I flirt will all men - seriously, just about all. He said, "well I know that it is different with me". Holy SHIT! How crazy is he? So I calmly try to explain that I am not going to apologize for his imagination. Of course, he believes I am the one that does not want to come to grips with the truth. You cannot win this kind of argument.

So I am there with him for about an hour and over the course of that time, I find out that while he was at a mutual friends' wedding in Vegas, he told the friend - who was about to get married, mind you - and at least 2 other male friends about the *mistakes* that he and *I* had made together.

WHAT!!!???!!!

As I demanded to know what he had exactly told our friends, a smirk went across his face. I immediately got up and left (throwing enough cash on the table to pay for my meal and not his). I drove home fuming. Of course he told them that he had had an affair with me. He wanted "first teller" advantage. Now if I ever told my side of the story it would sound like I was the one who was making everything up. I'm sure he told them that *he* ended things. That way if I said he tried to rape me, he would just say I was just upset about being dumped.

So the next morning, I have an email from him that says:
"I haven't thrown you out. Maybe we'll get the chance to come out of our corners to duel again someday." -H

I love the "thrown you out" phrase. Like he possesses me somehow and therefore would get to make that decision.

I haven't replied to this message and I plan to never have any contact with him again. I want so badly to set everything straight with my friends who now think I'm a tramp, but these are not people that I see that often so 1) Why should I bother? They are not a part of my life and 2) How would the conversation go? "Hi, I know you haven't heard from me in 3 years, but I just want to let you know I am not screwing H".

So I guess I just have to keep hoping for this Bosnia thing to come through so I can get the hell out of town.

Duh!

Your Seduction Style: Are You a Jen or an Angelina?
http://quiz.ivillage.com/love/tests/jenangelina.htm


All Angelina
Like Angelina, you're a rare breed: a strong, sexual woman who goes after what she wants. Hollywood bad girls like you include Pamela Anderson, Drea de Matteo and 1950s star Ava Gardner. While it's great to be so in touch with your own sensuality, remember that it can be intimidating and not always appropriate. (Hear that, Ms. Jolie?)

You asked to be asked about deep things, but are you incapable of asking those questions yourself?

That's from Zanla...

I ask myself deep questions all of the time. I don't always answer myself let alone explore these things in depth by putting them in writing (and on the internet no less). I am plagued by the constant questions in my head.

Answering those questions for an audience...sure...if I have an audience. I am definitely an exhibitionist at heart.

Are we more than the sum of our parts?

Allysther makes a good point: "I promise that 'really great' will bring things to the relationship that are worse than 'pretty damn good'."

In this world of total customization (computers, cars, houses), there is a temptation to think that you can do that with people. Guy version 1.1.2 has features A, B and C...potentially upgradable to D and E. However, you just know that Guy version 2.0 will come with D and E already installed plus F...lots of F...wait, I digress...

Just like every new gizmo you find yourself thinking you cannot live without features that you didn't even know existed when you made your original purchase (is it just me or is there something screwed up about iPod video - how can you be on the go while staring at a screen? It's like people don't want to listen to...or now even look at... the world around them).

You start to feel like you were ripped off because when you bought yours, you didn't know the features of the new model were even possible.

But what you don't realize is that you are caught up in the features. You bought the original model because you really wanted the item. Now you are trying to upgrade individual features, but you have to buy the item all over again. What the hell are you going to do with two ____s?

So what am I saying?

"There is simply no way to remain satisfied with what you have if you forever have your eyes open for what might be next." - more from Allysther.

Man, have I learned that. It's hard not to stop shopping after you make the purchase, but when has that ever lead to anything other than regret.

Dont worry my friend, I know all of this. It's the total picture, not just parts.

How much of your life is really based on timing?

After several frustrating talks with girlfriends/my sister, I found myself thinking about the whole idea of the "perfect mate" or "soul-mate". For the record, I do not believe in the idea that there is the one right person for each other person. That's just sentimental. Even on the S.A.T. it doesn't say "right answer", it says "best answer"..."best answer" and they wrote the damn test. Why do people think they can do better than this?

So anyway, my fellow female associates have me thinking that in general, there are a lot of women out there passing on really good, hoping for better, ending up with nothing - or worse yet, some guy we all know is a jackass, but my friend has to pretend he's great because we all know she let perfectly good guys take a hike.

But...if I am being perfectly honest...in my heart of hearts, I too am terrified about the alternative. You marry pretty damn good, the best you ever knew, and years later, after you have the little house with the white picket fence, you meet "really great". Now what?

Seriously, you have to ignore this or you just cannot function...right?

So, it all comes down to timing, but does that make sense? That something so huge should be based on pure circumstance? There should be an option besides either ruining the lives of everyone around you or blowing your chance to be truly happy.

I guess if everyone thought like I do, we wouldn't be able to form a society - but that's true about most of my views; they only work for me because most of the world thinks differently.

So is it obvious to everyone that I am avoiding something?

I have not put up a thoughtful post in awhile now. That's because I am totally weighed down obsessing about the mess at work (I could tell you all about it, but it would sound like I was just making it up to get pity). I'll give you a glimpse into the first 15 minutes of my day today: the night before, at the request of the person I have formerly referred to as my champion, I spent 4 hours with a senior co-worker (platonic, not even flirting, so you know it was serious). During our talk it became obvious that my direct supervisor lied to him. He confronted her and I did my best to cover her with the "I-was-in-Bosnia-and forgot-to-follow-up" story, but he didn't really buy it. So this morning I walked in and my supervisor (who hasn't bothered to say 2 things to me in the 3 weeks I've been back) blasted me for talking to the senior co-worker. I am sick with a cold and I am bloated-up like a blow fish so I just took it...and the day pretty much when down hill from there.

See what I meant...that is just not interesting reading.

The other big point of anxiety in my life is the emotional drama playing out in the Bosnia office. It is like a f**k'd up soap opera out there. Was I smart enough to not get enmeshed in it? Nope. I'm in it up to my eyeballs. Sure there's office politics as thick and wicked as you can imagine, but there is this whole interpersonal dynamic too. We have totally lost control out there in more than just the professional sense.

And I cannot believe I threw my hat in the ring to give up everything I know, and much of that is completely safe and comfortable, to go to the other side of the Atlantic and try to calm the chaos.

Maybe they will not pick me...

Another pseudo post....

Even though I don't entirely agree with the results...

The Suave Lover 40% partner focus, 66% aggressiveness, 50% adventurousness

Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that: You prefer your romance and love to be traditional rather than daring or out-of-the-ordinary, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, you concentrate more on enjoying the experience rather than worrying about your performance. This places you in the Lover Style of: The Suave Lover. The Suave Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and is reminiscent of some of the most classic lover figures of all time, such as Casanova or Don Juan, or more recently James Bond (several of the "Bond girls" fit this type, too). This shouldn't be confused with a "player" or someone who is solely interested in physical love, but someone who is looking for an incredibly elusive thing: a worthy partner. The Suave Lover is a treasure to find, but can be incredibly difficult to hold on to, once found. In terms of physical love, the Suave Lover can sometimes be surprisingly tender. Given the right setting, and the right lover, the Suave Lover can be a delight in bed. Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Devoted Lover (most of all) or the Romantic Lover, or the Liberated Lover. Congratulations! Thanks Again! -- THE LOVER STYLE PROFILE TEST

Letter to one of my favorite students...

One of the student workers in my office is studying abroad in Europe this semester. We have been writing back and forth about every couple of weeks. This was my reply to his latest message to me...

Dear A,

When I first wrote to you I was going to say that I wanted to try again to get together because I was going to Sarajevo November 18. Now I will probably not go over again until the new year.

I'm sure I will never get the whole story about what when on in Amsterdam - actually, no matter what, you shouldn't tell me until after graduation. Several people are trying to convince me to go to Amsterdam, but I don't know...I get myself in enough trouble in Sarajevo. As with most of my travel decisions it will depend on the companions. I need that perfect blend of willing-to-let-go and some-sense-of-reason. In other words, I don't want to go with people who would hold me back, but I need someone who would reel me in if things started to get out of hand.

Anyway, Denmark, Sweden, Russia, and Brussels, wow! I'm glad you mentioned something about taking classes...I was beginning to wonder. I hope that part is going well too. It is going to be hard readjusting to little old Newark. Honestly, I had a hard time adjusting coming from Miami and now that I spend time in a city again, I am having some of those same feelings.

...People ask me why I love my job. I think it's because it made me realize that my life could be BIG. I can't imagine going back to sitting at the same desk in Newark day-in, day-out. I know at some point I might have to, but I hope not and I certainly don't have to think about that today.

I hope you realize the same thing too, now. I hope this experience will make you brave enough not to settle for a life that doesn't inspire you and will motivate you to work hard enough not to ever have to.

-Ann

P.S. - Note that I didn't even ask about that girl in the picture ...

Do I deserve better?

This is not to say that in general everyone shouldn't strive for more for themselves, and this isn't one of those self-pitying entries where I argue that I suck and therefore don't deserve more. I am just wondering, since I have it pretty good. I could see in a lot of ways were I could screw up "pretty-darn-good", trying to get something "better" - whatever that means.

My looks...
I am pretty convinced that on a scale of 1 - 10, I'm about an 8. I have been told this enough times across several decades to know that this is likely my statistical true score. So for awhile now, I have been considering a tummy tuck. I also have thought about having my nose narrowed and cheekbones reconstructed like Halle Barry probably did. Then again, what if the surgery is completely successful, and now I'm a 9. What would that get me? Then in 5 - 10 years, wouldn't I have to do it all again?

My wardrobe...
Ok, you got me there. I deserve better. I just hate to spend money on clothes. For some reason I can't see spending more than $30 on a single piece - yes that includes dresses and shoes.

My house...
You know how close you are to me by whether or not I have ever let you see the inside of my house on short notice (short notice = less than one week). I just cannot spend time cleaning. I am working on a project now that would go so much easier if I could have people at my house, but there is just no way. I do not want people seeing how I live. When I am in Sarajevo, I am religious about my apartment, so to those of you who have visited me there, it doesn't count. I mean my home, home. In this case, I don't deserve better because I don't take care of what have.

My car...
I drive a beige Toyota Camry. It's just pure irony. When it dies, I'm gonna get one just like it.

My love life...
I know this is what Three Husskateers is getting at. There is a saying that everyone gets 2 great loves. By age 23, I had three. Sure things are not perfect right now, but they are pretty-darn-good. He loves me, treats me well, and he's letting me run off to Bosnia without complaint. He hasn't bought me a piece of valuable jewelry in forever, the flowers in the office are never for me, and our last trip "just the two of us" was 3 years ago and it was to meet my sister in Thailand. We were alone for the flight over, tho. When we got to Ko Samui he couldn't understand why I wanted separate rooms for us and her.

*sigh*

But I don't have to look far to see what life is like for the truly single. It is pretty clear that it is especially brutal for women "my age".

So my dreams of romance with him will be unfulfilled in exchange for a reality that is better than most people could ever hope for. The question of whether or not I "deserve" better is eclipsed but the fact that the odds are way against me of actually being able to find better.