Why is it so hard to say what you mean?

So in the week since I last wrote (ok, I know I just cut & pasted something, but at least you knew I was alive...), there have been more adventures with the mystery man from my August 5th post.

We went out to dinner on Saturday night. He spent 3 hours telling me he was never going to see me again - and plying me with alcohol. He explained that his love for me was going to ruin his marriage unless he made a clean break (Duh! I told him this the last time we spoke). He wanted me to "admit" that I loved him. His reasoning being that since he was never going to talk to me again regardless of what I said, this would be my last chance.

Instead of telling him, "I don't love you", I said, "I can't tell you what you want to hear".

Why did I do this? I do not have problems with confrontation...wait...that's a lie. I have a problem with confrontations in that I am pretty well known for being argumentative to the point of being hurtful. I have difficulty letting things go at work and have hurt myself professionally because of it. So why couldn't I be honest?

I guess it's that "concept of love" issue again. I'm not sure what could be more devastating than to hear that the person you think you love doesn't love you back. Add to that, it's the person that you think you have been in love with for 15 years - and she doesn't love you back. Add to that knowing you could have her physically, but you can never have her love. I just couldn't imagine him dealing with that. I don't think he would accept that.

I say "think you love", because this guy absolutely does not love me. He lusts after me - and I find that really cool - but he does not love me. For whatever reason in his world, he has to attach the word love to his lustful feelings. Thank you Catholic Church! What a service they have done for society!

How do I know he doesn't love me?

Well, when we left the restaurant, he tells me that he and an ex used to go skinny dipping at a public pool and asks if I wanted to go. I told him no, but he took me there anyway. I refused to get out of the car. He attempted to woo me into taking my clothes off. When I didn't play along he attempted to forcefully remove my clothes.

Those of you who know me must be cringing thinking Oh, shit... Is he in the hospital?... Is he expected to live? For those of you who do not know know me, let me explain that I skated competitively so I am able to lift hundreds of pounds with my legs (a stunt I used to demonstrate at parties). More recently, in my work at the Eagles, I was able to immobilize men 2-3 times my size. In other words, I was never in any real danger unless he had a weapon, which he didn't. Nonetheless, I didn't do what I should of (which would have been to throw him a beating Philly style), I instead attempted to reason with him. When that didn't work, I immobilized him and said, "take me home immediately or I will leave marks on you that could never be explained to your wife".

Dejected, he drove me home. He even leaned in for a kiss when we got there. *Sigh*

But, I am asking, are these the acts of someone in love? If so, his honeymoon must have been a hoot! I feel sorry for his wife, but I can't tell her anything. He would just tell the typical husband lie that I am a stalker and am after him or something. Plus, I am hoping that this is it - it's over and I will never see him again (until I testify on his wife's behalf at their divorce proceedings). I certainly do not wish to entangle myself in the mess that their marriage must be. I know I am not the only woman he takes out for expensive dinners and gets drunk with so I have to think that this is what he does with the others.

...or maybe it's not. A friend of mine that also knows this guy asked if I thought ________ is suicidal and this was one of those "final acts" that are fairly common for people who plan to attempt suicide. The question was upsetting for me on two levels:

1) As a counselor, I should have thought of that, but really I didn't - at least not on a conscious level (I had to throw that in). He has a history of depression but has not seemed depressed to me in at least 2 years. As far as I know, and I think I would know, he has never attempted suicide.

2) I don't care.

This second fact really is difficult for me. I suddenly came to realize that not only do I not love him...even in the sense of "friendly love", but I'm not sure I like him. That night I dreamt that I was at his funeral and I saw his wife crying her eyes out and all I could think was "good thing she never knew the truth". Nothing about how tragic his death was or whether or not I should have done something more.

I know that sounds heartless, but it's true. I guess I could at least call one of our mutual friends to check up on him. Certainly, talking to me, suicidal or not, would just be more damaging.