The difference between love and wanting to be loved...

It's hard to address this without diving into the "What is love?" issue, but I want to try because I've got to tell this story. For the moment, I'm defining love as strong attraction of an entity to another entity or thing.

In my book, love is a biochemical reaction. I feel confident that we will eventually be able to create love in a laboratory setting. Not all chemical reactions are the same, right. Sometimes you just put two chemicals near each other and BAM! Sometimes, you have to alter them somehow to get them to react. Some chemicals will not react together no matter what the conditions are. So what I'm saying is that in my experience, love doesn't always happen right away, it could take time, but at some point you have to realize that it's just a no-go.

Wanting to be loved is this weird state. A magnet is still magnetic if it is not near metal or another magnet, but does it realize that it is lacking something? Humans in general seem to be like a mobile phone searching for signal. That's a good thing...that in general we yearn to be connected to others. But what happens when that need is driven by pure selfishness....

And here the story begins:

I need some work from a friend (I am intentionally being vague so as to protect his identity), but I could not pay for this work with money - at least I could never compensate him for what his time on the project would be worth. So I offer instead to take him out to dinner… and last night was the dinner...but for weeks leading up to it, he made one suggestive statement after another until it was pretty crystal to me that he planned to make me "pay" for his services with my, um…, services.

Little background about me: As the date neared, I was conflicted about whether or not I would go through with it and how far I would actually go. I really needed the work and I really couldn't pay for it and I really needed my friend to do way better than a half-assed job. In general, sex acts are not of great monetary value for me so from my perspective, this was like getting an 8 year-old to sell me his new bike for $5 - and if I can get him to trade it for a Pokemon card, all the better...but, I'd have to be pretty maniacal to go through with that deal without some twinge of guilt.

Little background on him: He's married - only just… less than 3 years. The marriage was a stupid idea on the part of both parties. I am dying to tell you why, but can't without making it obvious to the entire population of the tiny state we live in who I am talking about. He talks a big game, but he is relatively inexperienced sexually - keep in mind whose making that judgment, tho. I'd say he's had fewer than 7 partners total, lifetime...

Little background on us: ...and I am one. More than a dozen years ago, we had sex. Again...KILLING me not to tell you the story because it is unbelievable. The sex was OK, but the story is hilarious.

Speaking of stories...

So the day of the big date comes. He chooses the restaurant. It has a highly suggestive name. He tells me what to wear - dress, no panties. Fine. But I wore panties because…, well…, I'm just not a "no panties" person. It's not a sexiness issue, it's a hygiene issue

... back to the story. The restaurant was weird - trying to be Philly, but it was in Delaware so it had awesome decor, the waitstaff dressed in full black, the total 25-35 singles scene package... except as I perused the trendy drink menu, I couldn't help but notice the family of four to my immediate right and two women that appeared to be a mother and daughter to my left - daughter ~55, mother ~70. So, the Philly look, but not the Philly crowd.

Once we ordered I decided to launch into the scope of the work I needed done. This is because I didn't know where the evening was going and, damn it, if he was getting his, I was for sure getting mine. Also, I know this guy's drinking habits so I needed to get him to buy into the plan while he'd still remember the plan. So after about 15 minutes he's saying, no problem, he'd get it done, no big deal.

The waiter appears with the meal, just as I am told this bombshell: my date looked deep into my eyes and said, "If we are going to do this [he said "this" in away as to make it clear we were no longer discussing work], I have to know that you love me".

Have you ever almost choked on a drink and spit it out at the exact same second? I was convinced I was drowning, but I deftly played it off as if I needed to swallow hard and take a deep breath. The deep breath was of course needed to force back laughter.

I collect myself and asked about his wife, someone that I am well acquainted with, but we are certainly not friends (in general, women dislike me). Try to follow this one: of course he absolutely loves his wife and therefore it would only be worth cheating if we had true love; anything else would destroy his marriage. Luckily, I was so bewildered that the urge to laugh was gone. I told him that in my experience, falling in love with someone else, especially if that love is expressed sexually, is far more threatening to the main relationship than a meaningless one time romp. Nope, he's adamant that he would need love because it is not possible to separate sex and love - that's a myth.

Urge to laugh rising... rising... more deep breaths...

I told him that the connection between love and sex in American culture is a product of our society. Sex and love are no more connected than movies and popcorn (they are often together, but you can certainly have one without the other). Remember Pavlov's dogs where the ringing bell eventually caused salivation? In trained dogs a ringing bell was connected to food so the sound made them salivate. For untrained dogs, the bell did not cause salivation because there was no connection.

Suddenly, I realized that if he believed what he is telling me... Oh Sh*t! He is in love with me and has been since college! Yes, for years we have flirted. Yes, he does constantly touch me inappropriately. But honestly, he likes to talk like a player so I just thought he was trying to act the part too. If you knew this guy you would know that it would be totally possible to believe that these acts were insincere buffoonery rather than some manifestation of long sublimated lust.

So I just laid it out there. I returned his piercing gaze and said, "________, I don't love you; I can't love you. You must already know that". "Of course, of course, I know that", he said looking really flustered. And then he gets this really condescending tone in his voice and says something like, this is why I didn't marry you. "You are damaged goods".

Boy, I haven't heard that term in awhile. His wife has had several past serious relationships so I immediately confirmed he wasn't taking about virginity. He wasn't, but still the irony is pretty potent. He wants to commit adultery and I'm the one who is "damaged goods". But it gets better. He tells me that because I come from such a screwed up family situation, I could never be a decent wife or mother. And, get this...,

Because of this, he could never love me and therefore could never have an affair with me and I was just going to have to accept that my attraction to him was going to go unrequited.

Now, any normal woman would have thrown her drink in his face for all of this bullsh*t, but I kept my cool because:
1) I knew that he was just trying to hurt me because he felt hurt
2) He drove
3) I really need him to do this work for me (hey, I am where I am in life because I know how to keep my eye on the ball)

He proceeded to elaborate on his points so when the waiter came around, I was hoping he'd ask for the check. No folks, he ordered dessert... Not just any desert, but a specific dessert. One that we had shared very erotically in the past. Sorry, but I can't tell that story either.

When it came, he centered it between us and took the utensils away. WHAT? I tried to stay focused on the conversation. After a few minutes he starts into the dessert... he's staring at me. He's got to be kidding. "Come on. Come on, share this with me", he whispers. Fine. I grab a utensil off of the now empty table next to us and dig in - the look of disappointment on his face was just classic. Realizing defeat, or maybe realizing that he now looked ridiculous, he picked up a utensil.

So now I'm was wondering as we walked out to the car, what this evening all about anyway? This guy knows me well - my statement of non-love could not have been a shock unless he was totally delusional.

We get into the car and I could tell he was planning to not speak to me, so I turned on the stereo. "Ouga chucka, Ouga, Ouga, Ouga chucka... I can't fight this feeling/deep inside of me..." It was the Reservoir Dogs Soundtrack. One of my all time favorites (because of a guy of course; and not this guy). My date knew how much I liked it. He had actually given me a copy of this CD for Christmas 2 years ago...not realizing its significance to me regarding the other guy.

So the whole evening was totally choreographed. In his world, he was going to take me to dinner, we would profess our love for each other, and we would f*ck in his car to the tunes from my favorite CD. In other words, yes, he is totally delusional.

I think he now feels that I am a dirty whore and he is a saint who had nothing but the idea of helping a friend in mind when he agreed to go out with me to dinner.

After the big fight I just had with my sister, I have now learned that it is dangerous to f*ck with the little fantasies people create to make sense of their lives. If you do, you better be committed to seeing it all the way through. The last thing I wanted with this guy was to discuss this any further.

He pulls up to my place and I airily say, "Are we OK?"
He looks vacantly toward me and says, "No, Ann, we're not"
I say, "Ok then" and I handed him the documents, "I need this Wednesday as we agreed".

Sure, he'll probably do a half-assed job or not do it at all. Oh well. Luckily, he's not the only one who can do this and almost everyone I know that does is male, so... NEXT!