I'm 33 for a moment...

This weekend I have been thinking a lot about my future. At 33, I have used up 1/3 of my time on the earth - in all likelihood it's closer to 1/2 (I don't think I want to live to be 100).

I feel very insecure that I have no idea where I will be in 5 years, but even more frightening, I don't know where I *want* to be in 5 years. I started thinking about the path that has put me here now (in Sarajevo watching a Beyonce video on Italian television).

When I was 3, I couldn't fathom being an adult; adults frightened the hell out of me - yes I remember that.

When I was 8, I wanted to go to the Olympics for gymnastics, swimming, or diving, and after that, become a paleontologist.

When I was 13, I wanted to be Mrs. Prince (not the singer; this was a kid in my school's actual last name); he rejected me totally. I remember telling my friends I was too ugly to ever get married.

When I was 18, I wanted to be a professional call-girl (think working with Heidi Fleiss, not the street corner)...my goals with this career were not too specific, but one thing was for sure - I was to sexy to ever get married; I didn't think I'd live to be 25. I'm not sure how I got convinced to go to college.

When I was 23, I was going to be a top bank executive and for once my life was on track with my goals (ok it was at 18 too until I went for the college nonsense). I was younger than anyone else at my level, so I acquired everything that they did so they could see how mature I was - got a purebred dog, a new car, new house, oh and a husband...

When I was 28, I was already realizing that my goal of being the top in my field of academic advisement was a lame goal - I was practically there (only lacked the notoriety). I had just had my second child and I felt totally trapped. I wanted more, not sure what, but I was in a tight box with no where to go. Secretly I was intensely suicidal - I had just survived a life threatening illness...and was disappointed that I didn't just die.

So here I am at 33. Yes I have problems, and there are things that make my heart ache, but I am so alive and so happy. I just don't know what I want or where I am going...and so what. In the past when I have "known", I really had no idea. I cannot recall a time in my life when I didn't want to just end it all - it has been more prevalent at times, but almost always out there in the background.

Now it's just gone. It's like I have been living in a dark room all my life and now I have pulled down all of the heavy drapes, flung open the doors and stepped out on to the balcony into the fresh morning air to see that the sun is just coming up. There is so much I can do and I want to keep my life big. I see how I let fear and disappointment (and fear of disappointment) control me.

...and all the while I just needed to get out there...that's the irony of it all.

"Doesn't play well with others" :(

Who knew that when Dr. Anita Taylor, the assistant principal of my elementary school, wrote "Doesn't play well with others" on my second grade report card, it was going to be a life sentence.

Today I was supposed to go with a friend and her sister to the mountains. I was totally psyched. I have very few female friends, and I really want to keep this one. I have 3 close female friends in Bosnia - one who knows me inside and out (I would show her this blog, which is saying a lot), one who is more like a gal pal that I laugh and go to coffee with, but no deep stuff (this is who I was supposed to go to the mountain with), and one that I go to dinner with like once or twice a month when I am in town and that's about it.

So all was cool...I was set for a day of just chillin' (literally), hiking, and laughing at my attempts at the Bosnian language.

...until I walk into the faculty offices Friday night to say goodnight and two other women remark at how they will see me tomorrow. Huh? Oh yeah, my friend's sister can't come so she invited those two.

F#@*!

One woman is the wife of a faculty member. She is one of those people who is self-assured, confident, but butt ugly and dumb as a post. We got into a fight yesterday because she wanted to give a gift to our landlady, but she didn't want to buy anything...she wanted to give items we bought for our marketing campaign. When I said no, she left in a huff and then loudly bad mouthed me to her husband while standing outside my office door.

The other woman just simply doesn't like me. I think she is warming up to me, but there are factors that will always keep us distant. 1) She takes the Serb side in the recent conflict - I personally cannot get past that one; 2) She is sensitive about the fact that she is incredibly unattractive - she has coke bottle glasses, bucky teeth, and is about 75 lbs over weight...I mean she's got the whole package; 3) She has an Ivy Leage PhD - 'nuf said there; 4) She is unpopular with the students, the local staff, the male faculty, and just people in general. I have had friends like this who have been fine because they were ok with who they are. She's not. She is bitter and jealous. She makes comments to other people trying to point out my flaws.

So, I should have been the bigger person, swallowed hard and sucked it up...

...not a chance! I played sick. My frined actually came up to my apartment to see if I was alright. Surprise, surprise, the other two witches were totally fine with me just staying home and resting up.

I guess this one ends happily ever after...

Could this be the start of something?

So I am here in Sarajevo now - part of the reason I haven't written in a while has been getting here (it took me about 24 hours door-to-door this time) and getting settled. I walked into the office straight from the airport (made easier by the fact my bags didn't show) and since then it has been non-stop bombardment. I am not going to bore you by listing off everything I am up to at work but it's a ton. My new boss seems to feel that I am not moving fast enough but he dumps new crap on me hourly.

So maybe that's why...

...I seem to have lost all interest in sex.

Seriously, not some, not most, but all. Some people are just asexual...whatever...for me this was like being stricken deaf. Like, hey, the room is not just quiet, it's silent...I hear nothing...oh sh!t.

My mind tends to work like a guy's; sex is usually in there somewhere (for the techies, it's like a background process that is constantly running). You know, like where you are working on a report about radio ads and somehow your mind jumps to sex, or you are sitting in a meeting and suddenly start thinking that if someone put a gun to your head and forced you to sleep with someone in the room, who would it be (is it so bad that you would switch teams?) But lately nothing...

I thought I was just busy, but then tonight there was a reception and the group was mostly young men. I should have been in my element. Several of them were completely flirting with me; asking me where I am from, pretending to confuse me with a local actress. I should have been in my element, right?

No - I was totally off. I made weak attempts at flirting back, but I really wasn't feelin' it. There was no tention, no spark. It was just conversation. It's like I've lost my super powers. I'm actually kind of freaked out by it.

I am trying to tell myself that for today, it's for the best. I have no chance of any action right now so at least I am not sufferring from that standpoint. I am just worried because the last time I felt this way, I think I was 4 (I know, I was slow to catch on; but then came Antonio in Kindergarten - I can't believe I still remember his name).

So hopefully, this is some kind of passing phase brought on by lack of sleep and a chest cold that is still in the developmental stages. Speaking of lack of sleep...it's almost 1:00 here. I need to get to bed - at least one bright note, these days I'm going straight to sleep...

Sit it out or dance?

So my new boss and I are at each other's throats...
The Marketing Plan needs more work...
The Business Plan will surely be rejected...
Some of the workers were caught misrepresenting themselves...
Some of the workers want to quit...
Some of the workers will never quit, but need to be fired...
The US government will probably contest my position...
UD is trying to f*ck me out of a decent title...

So I am sitting on the sofa with a pint of coffee Haagen Dazs, because I know that I will be heading into a buzz-saw and I need the sugar to stave off depressing thoughts. Plus, the extra pounds will be ok because it will take a few days for them to show and after that, it will be a loooooong time before anyone will see me naked.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

Well, I have my orders. On Sunday I move my life to Sarajevo.

3 months ago, there was nothing I wanted more.

Now, I'm not so sure.

This is going to be my best year ever...

I am going to see Istanbul, Prague, and Budapest...
I will get 5 new countries on my country map...
I will do at least one thing I thought I couldn't and one thing no one but me knew I could...
I will see my name in the news (hopefully for good, but there is no such thing as bad publicity)...
I am going to work hard at something that is just for me...
I am going to fight my natural tendancy toward depression with everything I've got...
I will find ways to be happy even when it doesn't make sense...
I am giving myself permission to fall in love with a new person, a new place and a new thing...
I will not let fear be in charge of my life...
I am going to look up this post in December and see how I did.