It's wrong, but I miss it. Am I a bad person?

So I am getting ready to head back to my home away from home: Sarajevo, Bosnia i Herzegovina.

There are so many thoughts swirling around in my head that I cannot sleep at night. I have a pretty high pressure list of things to accomplish and the situation out there with the leadership of our project has never been more tense. The project is definitely at a turning point and everyone feels it. (For those of you who share my love of football, it's like we are down by 2pts and because of a broken play there is a jump ball in the end zone - it is equally important for each team that they be the one to come down with the ball)

...But in all this stress and confusion...there is one thought...one worry, that keeps surfacing over and over again...

There's a guy (you could just tell I was going here) that IMs me (tell me that wasn't a surprise) when I am in Sarajevo. He IMs me other times, but when I am in Sarajevo, it's different. It's everyday...and sometimes...it gets...dirty.

I loved it. It got to were I craved it...and then he told me what I kind of already sensed: he is uncomfortable with our "chats". So I said I would be good and not "lead him into temptation" figuring he was just going through a phase, but we went through the last week of my trip platonically.

Day 1

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)

I mean really, he won't stop, he can't stop...nothing to worry about. Men typically have the willpower of a crack addict when it comes to sex so I can easily wait this out

Day 3

Anger (why is this happening to me?)

Doesn't he know I'm out here suffering? This sucks! How long do I have to keep this up... "Yes, we are having nice weather, and you", "Wow, that sounds fun", aaaahhhh!

Day 5

Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)

What if we swear it won't lead to anything? We have always stopped when I get back stateside, why can't we just trust that we are in control?

Day 6

Depression (I don't care anymore)

You know, he is not someone that I would touch anyway. Not because he's married, but because he's the type where no matter how it happened, people would blame me. Who needs that wrap?

Day 7

Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

I knew I was heading back to the states and it would have ended anyway...and I always accepted that being stateside meant it's over.

Now, I'm wondering if it's really over.

All this work, all this pressure, and I am worried that I've lost my I.M. f**k buddy.

This guy has told me no, so it's I.M. rape if I start with him - but I want to...

It's not going to lead to anything - really! PROMISE!

Damn, I think I'm backsliding into "bargaining".