What's outside the window?

"...Where ever I was I always found myself looking out the window wishing I was somewhere else - now I live outside the window" - Angelina Jolie

I am totally aware of how trite it sounds to say that one of the people I identify most with in the world is Angelina Jolie. I am actually somewhat embarrassed by it to the point where I have only mentioned the connection I feel with her to a handful of people. Last night I saw her on Inside the Actor's Studio - I never watch that show, but he had it on and there she was. About 15 minutes in he exclaims, "Holy shit, she is your personality twin".

I'm not trying to say that my looks are in her league - get past that for a second.

And yes it's true that we have a great deal in common sexually. We both grew up in unstructured households and had regular sexual partners at a young age. The connections that most people have about sex (e.g., sex and love should go together, sex is a major event in a relationship, sex should be with one person) and the divisions (e.g., gay vs. straight sex, indulgence vs. restraint, what "should" happen vs. what you want to happen) that people create in their minds don't exist because those are adult constructs. I never had that period in my life where I was talking about "what if" I had sex - I was having sex within a year or two of understanding what it was and to be truthful, it was years after I started having sex before I had any real desire for it.

...ok I digress...

What struck me last night was the little quote above. We have both been through our narcissistic immaturities and have come out the other side, almost accidentally, discovering that there is a world that exists outside of our panties. I used to think that there were only two choices: ho or homemaker. I've tried both. But there is this large margin in the middle. It's a place that American society tries to pretend doesn't exist.

Now that I have found my freedom and found what I want to do with my life (at least for the next year - no commitments beyond that...), I cannot imagine going back to the limitedness of American suburban life. No I have no real plan, but life is not a chess match. You can't solve all your problems by trying to think 8 moves ahead (this is because in chess you are up against a single clear adversary - in life you are up against much more than that, but you also have people helping you too).

Right now I know where my heart is leading me...I just hope I get the chance and have the courage to follow.